Between Good and Evil
by Clockwork Oranges
Summary: A young man, of the British persuasion, has been living in Gensokyo for over a year now. He has now decided to tell his story so that he can pass the time from the normal day to day routine he now has. Updated generic pop-culture referencing title? Indeed
1. Prologue

_Authors Notes: This is the introduction to my first fanfic that I have ever written, so don't be expecting a work of genius. I do plan on making this a rather elongated fanfic however so expect for this to go on for some time, so without further ado._

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

It was a normal day in Gensokyo, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the fairies are being complete jack-asses to everyone they see. Me? I was helping the resident reporter, Aya Shameimaru, print newspapers so that I can pay her "rent" for letting me stay with her (No it's not what you might think).

I suppose I should say how I got here, working day in, day out, for a slightly disturbed, purvey tengu reporter. Well to be honest with you the story's a long one and third person isn't exactly my best medium, so I will be telling each part of this "tale" in the first person, much better.

At any rate, It all began back in at my home in a rural area of Great Britain know as Wales, a country that is full of natural beauty and wonder, I was out with my friends for once, in a local town called Machuncleff. I went into a store to by myself a bottle of fanta, and that's when I met her, the girl, or rather woman, that would change my life forever…

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><p><em>Well there you go this is the introduction to my story, I do have some problems to overcome such as my descriptive skills but they'll come along in time, in the next chapter you will meet one of the main supporting roles in this story, and a constant pain in everyone ass, yes I don't care about swearing perhaps I'll have a swear counter, yes, perhaps I will.<em>


	2. Chapter 1: Seven Days

_Hi there folks, this is the first real chapter in my fanfic, the first one being a pathetically short prologue. In this you will properly meet the main character along with a supporting role in the series._

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Seven Days<strong>

I am Greg Bevan, I'm 16 years old and I technicality just finished high school, even though I am going back for the my A levels, but I digress, I have been rather bored lately and have developed this habit of talking to myself in my head, may as well explain this to… Myself, facepalm!

This morning is like any other. I wake up and watch Youtube videos for about an hour, then I go downstairs and eat a bacon sandwich, back upstairs to play on my Wii, PS3, N64 or one of the many other consoles I have gathered over the years and then…

"Greg! Your friends are on the phone" My mother called from down the stairs

Oh for the love of god, I hate it when my inner monologue is interrupted!

"Ok, I'll be downstairs in a minute!"

I really have no reason to not go down right now, but I can't be bothered to go down and grab the phone off her. Hopefully my mum will cave and walk into the room in a second

"Alright you lazy idiot, here's the phone" She said as she walked in the room

"Thank god, I thought I might actually have to get up out of my chair for a second…"

My mother chuckled a little, while I sat there with a look that bluntly said 'No really'

"You are a lazy ass, you know that? Anyway take the phone before Iwan hangs up"

Iwan was a good friend of mine who I had known since I first joined my primary school. That's the good thing about living in a rural area like this; there are only a few high schools to pick from so we ended up going to the same one.

"Alright, hand it over" She handed me the phone before blissfully leaving the room.

"Yo!"

"Finally, I thought you weren't going to get the phone for a second there!" He said in a rather sarcastic tone, which I didn't take to kindly, but I merely shrugged it off.

"Ok Iwan, what the hell do you want anyway?"

"Well considering the fact that we all left school a month ago, I was kind of hoping to meet up with you and some of the others. Heck, I haven't even heard from you since our last exam!"

Damn he sounds hurt, I hate this touchy feely stuff, It's why not many of my relationships have work out.

"To be honest with you, I couldn't be bothered to talk to any of you guys, so don't act so but hurt."

We shared some awkward laughter before we both were able to catch our breath

"Anyway Greg, get down to Mach A.S.A.P"

"Ten four, good buddy!"

God that is a horrible phrase, yet I love it. I better get dressed though, I'm still in my boxers and a T-shirt…I wish I didn't have to get up to do this!

Well then, I finally got dressed, I "decided" upon a black shirt that had a Mr Saturn on it from Mother 3, a pair of old worn out jeans that were more grey than the traditional blue colour at this point, and an ordinary grey Jacket. I really only chose the T-Shirt if I'm perfectly honest, I couldn't give a damn about my appearance really…

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><p><strong>About an hour later in "Mach" or Machuncleff <strong>

"Alright Iwan, you got us all together again, what's the deal?" One of my old friends Sam said

"No deal, I just wanted to see you guys again, is there a problem?" Iwan said that in the general troll way, which made both me and Sam deadpan while my other two friends Adam and Dawson began to laugh there asses off.

"Trolololol?" I managed to muster up, while still resisting shooting Iwan a dirty look.

"Indeed Greg. So anyway, how have you guys been doing over the past month?"

A series of generic answers came his way in a wave of complete boredom, some of which include Classics such as:

"Fine, just fine"

"Good"

And of course "Do you even care?" That may not be generic for most people but it was for my group of friends, we were rather blunt to each other to say the least…

"Hey Greg, I see your still into that nerdy Mother shit!" Adam said before continuing on "I mean the graphics are so horrible, how can you like those games?"

I couldn't help but show of a look of disgust; my other friends just had a wide 'U Mad?' smile on their faces, which pissed me off to the point where as I walked past Adam, as to get to Sam and Dawson, I pushed him over the wall he was leaning on. The others and I shared a good laugh at his expense.

"Alright Greg" Adam began as he managed to pull himself up onto the wall "You're going to pay for that!"

"How are you going to make that happen?" I asked quite confidently

"All in favour of having Greg go buy us some drinks from Co-Op!" Adam shouted out

"I!" the others shouted out simultaneously

"I hate you all…" As I said this, the others each handed me a five pound note and told me the drink they wanted me to buy for them. Dawson wanted Mountain Dew, Adam wanted Coke, Sam and Iwan wanted Red-Bull and I was going to buy myself a bottle of Fanta fruit twist, I might also buy a packet of Skittles using Adam's change.

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><p>I walked into the Co-Op, a cool, refreshing breeze greeted me. Now that I think about it I'm glad they sent me off to do this, I hate hot weather, it's one of the reasons I stay inside my nice air-conditioned house most of the time. Better not keep them waiting or they'll probably wander off somewhere else, I'll just get to the drinks section buy their drinks and that packet of Skittles, screw you Adam, and get out of here as fast as I can.<p>

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><p>Ok so there was one Coke, one Mountain Dew, two Red-Bulls and a bottle of Fanta fruit twist for myself… Oh! I can't forget the skittles.<p>

As I leant forward to grab the skittles sitting near the counter I dropped my Bottle of Fanta and it rolled over to someone's foot. She then bent over to pick up the drink, as I walked over to her to receive it I took in her features. She appeared to be in her early twenties, maybe even late teens, had an odd Gold shade of hair and Golden eyes as well which I found both amazing and bazaar at the same time, she was wearing what appeared to be Traditional Japanese clothing, though I'm not too sure as I've only ever seen Japanese clothing in the one anime that I actually watched, and to finish it off she was holding an umbrella in her other hand, There was a word that kept up popping up in my head, that word simply was 'Damn!'

"I believe this is yours" She said handing me my bottle of Fanta

"Thanks a lot, I haven't seen you around here before, did you move here recently or something?" Not that I would know considering that I don't get out much.

"Actually I'm just passing through…" She said as she wandered off into thought "Yes! You'll do quite nicely as a specimen! My name is Yukari Yakumo, I suggest you introduce yourself as we will be seeing more of each other in due time."

"Uhh, I don't know how to take that. At any rate, my name is Greg Bevan." I offered my hand to shake but Yakari simply dismissed it

"Well then Greg, I suggest you prepare your things, as you'll be going on a long trip within the next 7 days…"

"You are one disturbing bitch you know that" I said as I concentrated on keeping my packet of Skittles from falling out of my arms. When I looked up however she was gone without a trace, which means not only is she disturbing, but she's also a complete idiot as she doesn't even know where I live.

I purchased my things and headed out of the store.

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><p><strong>Several hours later back at Greg's house<strong>

"I feel like that girl might actually know where I live so just in case I will prepare my things."

"Greg!" My mum said as she entered my room

"Yes?"

"Why the hell does your door have a sign on it that says 'My Things'?"

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><p><em>Yes I ended this chapter on a poor one liner, in the next chapter we'll see how Yukari and Greg get along when she finally comes to take him on his little 'trip'<em>


	3. Chapter 2: Ignorance is bliss

_Yep it's yet another instalment in my ongoing clichéd fanfiction, I do realise that this has been done before I'm not an idiot but I do enjoy writing this, so enjoy the writing style if anything else. Anyway in this chapter the main character will be thrown into Gensokyo, also if you get where I got the chapter name from you are amazing._

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Ignorance is bliss<strong>

It's been a week since that god damn woman told me that I was going to go somewhere, I say 'god damn' because I haven't been able to sleep once since she talked to me out of paranoia. I wonder if she was just screwing with me, I wouldn't put it past her the way she talked to me was more or less that I was some kind of play thing rather than a person.

"I have noticed that you haven't prepared anything." A familiar voice said from a corner of the room.

I was shocked but couldn't be bothered to react; yeah I know that's incredibly lazy. As I looked over to the corner where the voice had come from, my fears were confirmed, It was her, Yukari Yakumo , Standing there with a twisted little smile on her face.

"Ha-ha! I see you kept your little promise…" I managed to force out in an awkward tone...

"Well, it would be rude to have kept you without sleep and not kept it." Her smile widened.

Jesus Christ! The only thing that I can even remotely think about doing right now is grabbing my laptop and smashing her skull in!

"I suppose this means you weren't expecting me to show up." She said in a more serious tone.

"Well to be perfectly honest, I actually was. I was more or less hoping you wouldn't." I said as calmly as I can, although I felt as if she could feel the anger flowing off of me.

"Well then, I suggest you grab your things, you have one hour so hurry up!" Her voicing giving off a demanding tone.

I managed to stop her on her way out of my room, I kicked open my door and pointed at the sign with a smug look painted across my face.

"You expect me to take all of your room!" She said furiously "I mean really where exactly would I put all of this junk!"

"I'm not the one who is basically kidnapping someone, figure it out."

Oh boy! Her face has gone bright red, which is strange considering her pale complexion. I'm hoping she's embarrassed rather than in a rage, I'd hate to have to deal with her right now.

She pushed her index finger against one of her temples "Ok, I will take some of the stuff in this room but I'm telling you, you will not be able to bring everything her with you!"

"Well ok then, what exactly can I bring, oh almighty Yakumo!" As I said this my voice gave off the best sarcastic tone I could do, I sure do love sarcasm.

She began to inspect the room, as to see what things she deemed acceptable to bring with us on this trip she was apparently taking me on. I'm still a little sceptical though, if it weren't for the fact that she seemed so frail I would have ran like hell as soon as she appeared in my room.

"Hmm…" She interrupted my train of thought; did I mention I hate it when people do that? "I will allow you to bring any of your hand-held gaming consoles, your laptop, and all of your cloths…"

A tear began to fall down my cheek as I came to the realisation that most of my room would be left behind…

That sadness then turned into anger "Listen, Yukari! You have no god damn right to make me leave my room behind!"

"You've never slept in another bed in your entire life, have you?"

Well she was technically right, my parents never bothered to take me on holiday before, so the only time I ever really slept outside of this house was when I went camping with my friends. That's not to say that I get homesick however, I never really felt that way about my house, my bedroom however…Well let's just say I've spent a lot of time in this room.

"Yeah, I haven't actually; I've only ever gone camping…" I admitted to her.

"Well I'll be. This shall be a learning experience for all then!" She turned around as so that her back was facing me "Alright then, grab your electronics now, I'll get your cloths later."

She then spawned a portal out of mid air, at this point I felt a chill run up my spine, I only now realised that this woman wasn't as weak as she appeared, it probably is safe to say that she isn't even human.

This isn't good, I better do as she says, seeing as she is able to spawn portals I could end up anywhere; A volcano, or in a third world country, or maybe even a hick town in America! I ran over to my beside table and grabbed my 3DS and GBA, put some batteries in my pocket that I had taken out of a nearby remote control, I then unplugged the 3DS charger.

She then turned around and looked at me, and without saying a word, grabbed me by the collar and pulled me through that infernal portal! I only now began to actually see the contents of this portal, It was filled with eye balls, they followed me as I fell through the portal to god knows where. Oh wait! Where the hell is Yukari, she isn't in front of me anymore; if that's her idea of a joke then it's probably funny from the other side, but no! Not from my point of view!

Oh great there's the exit, now I just need to reposition myself and…Oh god damn it I can't I'm going to land on my head!

"Yukari you bitch." I muttered under my breath before hitting to the floor with a thud, I then blacked out…

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><p>When I woke up I was lying on a riverbed. The area was a lot like my own actually, the only difference was that this place was so god damn humid that I was lying in a puddle of my own sweat. I'm starting to think that this Yukari person is just using me as her toy. I mean really! Who abducts someone and then doesn't even have the common courtesy to stick around! Oh and I just realised she didn't even let me grab my laptop, I am so angry!<p>

As I was surveying the area I saw a Girl, cheerfully walking on the other side of the bank, who appeared to be the same age as me. She had bright blue hair, bright blue eyes, She was wearing a light green cap with some sort of symbol on the front of it, a blue dress with pockets stitched around the hem of the skirt and she even had some pockets stitched into the dress' sleeves, she was also wearing a dark, aquamarine coloured backpack, and a pair of blue wellington boots. I find it surprising how much this girl seems to love blue! She seems obsessed even!

"Hey there!" I called over to her.

She looked back and as she saw me a panicked look replaced her cheerful one, she began to run off into the distance. You could have sworn she thought I was some sort of terrorist with the way she ran off. At any rate I'm not letting her get away, she might know something about this place, for fucks sake I am not letting that sort of information slip through my ignorant fingers!

"Oh, no you don't! You're not getting away that easily! "

I then began to chase her down from the other side of the river that she was on, I would have jumped in and swam but I still had my 3DS and GBA in my pocket and I didn't want to break them,albeit that the GBA wouldn't break I know this due to the face that when I was younger I dropped this thing in the bath tub, it's pretty damn tough!She was now running at full speed looking back constantly, she then made a turn to the left as so I would lose her.

"Shit, I guess I'll have to swim then." I took out my 3DS and GBA as not to get them wet. She then looked back at me and saw me holding them, as she did she stopped dead.

"Um, e-excuse me sir!" she shyly said, I could barely make it out because of how quiet she was being

I was still a little dumbstruck how a simple glance at my 3DS and GBA would make her just stop running away from me, she seemed to be incredibly shy though.

I managed to snap out of my thoughts as to answer her back "Yeah, what is it?"

"M-may I take a look at those…um, machines?"

She seems nice enough; I may as well let her, if only there was a way to get across the river…

"Huh sure, but you're going to have to come over here, ok?"

"Ok!" She said slightly more lax than before

She then began to float over to me, now don't get me wrong I normally would have been shocked, but due to the fact that I had just been chucked through a portal filled with eyes into some kind of rural area of a foreign country I wasn't.

She then snatched them both off me and pulled out some tools from her various pockets placed around her dress, she kneeled down and began to work away "Thanks, it is unusual for me to see these kinds of things here in Gensokyo."

Gensokyo huh, must be the area we are in, sounds rather Japanese, although it would make sense considering what Yukari was wearing…

"Wait a minute, your taking my 3DS apart!" I had only just come to this realisation a second ago and it was too late for it now…

"Yeah, how else would I figure out how it works." She said, oblivious to the fact that thing is bloody expensive!

"That thing cost me £200!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, she was dazed for a second and I managed to save my GBA from the same cruel, unfortunate fate.

She began to have a saddened look on her face that I just couldn't bear to look at for one more second, so I reluctantly handed her back the GBA. Her mood automatically went back to being overly cheerful.

"Thanks, I'm an engineer you know, so it's good to know how these things work, as to put it into practice in my own inventions!" She began to say "Besides 200 yen is a bargain for the contents of this machine!"

I stared at her for a second, pissed off at the amount of attention she had actually put into listening to me.

"Yeah…, I said pounds, it's the currency used in Britain." I stated to her, she then looked at me with a look of confusion.

"What is Britain?" I was tempted to bring my palm to my face but then she said something rather interesting. "Oh! You must be from the outside world that would explain how you have this kind of technology lying on you…" She said as she continued to examine the insides of my 3DS.

"Wait, hold up just a second, there is another 'World' besides my own?" I inquired.

"Yes there is, as I said before you are in Gensokyo, a place where mythical creatures of legend reside, I myself am a Kappa!" She said proudly.

"No offence, but what the hell is a Kappa?"

The look on her face, I knew that look. It was the 'Ouch my pride' look. I knew it well due to my friends, we always did enjoy breaking each others balls over the smallest of things and I was quite the expert at it, I don't have to even try to do so as a result.

"How could you not know what a Kappa is, we're legendary creatures in Japan!" Her eyes were glowing passionately as she turned away from her work for a second to look at me.

"As I said before, I'm from Britain, not Japan."

"Oh, I'm not used to the concept of other countries I'm afraid."

"Well then, this has just been dandy, but I'm absolutely clueless as to where to go here, so your help would be appreciated." As I said this she got up from her sitting position looking content with her work.

"Well then, if you're asking for my help we should introduce ourselves now shouldn't we?" She said quite cheekily

How does letting someone destroy an expensive machine such as my gaming console change the nature of a person so much, It seems that her curiosity for electronic devices overcomes her shyness, or she's emotionally unstable, one of the two.

"Oh, we're doing this now? A little late if I'm perfectly honest, Oh well! My name is Greg Bevan."

"I see…" She said mulling the name over as if it was some kind of alien name that she had never heard before "I am Nitori Kawashiro, pleased to meet you!"

"Yeah whatever…" I said this in a rather bored tone due to the fact I was still pissed off about my torn apart 3DS that was lying in the grass by Nitori's foot.

"You seem nice." She said in a sarcastic tone.

I was gathering up the parts of my 3DS in some hope that since that Kappa had taken it apart she would be able to put it back together again. She did say that she was an engineer so I wouldn't be surprised if she could.

"Ha-ha, I'm still pissed off about that 'Machine' of mine, I'd be willing to forgive and forget if you could fix it…"

"Oh! Of course I can, I'm a proud engineer after all!" She bumped her fist against her chest in the proudest of manners.

This isn't looking good right now, I mean sure I have a guide but the sun is starting to set and I can't begin to imagine what kind of monsters lurk around at night here. We better get out of here quickly and get to some form of civilization!

"Well, this has been fun and all." I began Nitori stared at me wandering what the rush was all about "But…The sun is setting and I'd like to find some sort of civilization before dark."

"Oh yes! I would take you to the human village, but it will be dark out long before we make it there, so I suppose the nearest form of civilisation would be the Tengu village…"

"Alright then let's get going before I get eaten by some creature of the night!"

As I said that Nitori gestured her hand as signal it was time to go, I followed her down the riverbed and she was babbling on about how remarkable my 3DS was as a machine, I think I'm going to have one hell of a time here in Gensokyo.

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><p><em>I hadn't expected to have so much to write about Nitori as a character, I'm starting to like her a little too much, she might have to end up being a main role in this story now…<em>


	4. Chapter 3: A humans welcome

_Hi there folks it's me, your friendly neighbourhood fanfic writer. First things first, I'm not too proud with the previous chapter, I wrote it early in the morning when I couldn't get to sleep so sorry about that. Man have I been busy though! It's been one of those weeks where despite the fact you do absolutely nothing you just can't find the time to do this sort of thing. It is a shame really, considering when I go back to school this will be updated every couple of weeks at the most. With that said let's continue on from where I left off._

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: A humans welcome <strong>

It's been an hour of mindless walking now, the river me and Nitori were walking beside has now been replaced with a rocky mountainous region, according to Nitori it's called "Yokai Mountain", that was similar to that of the Andies Mountains without the snow. It was becoming apparent that this place is a hell hole and that I'm lucky that this Kappa is with me. Let me explain, it was when we reached the foot of this mountain, that we were ambushed by a young woman that tried to bite my head off, Nitori shot it with a barrage of some kind of magical bullet, not questioning it I'm just glad that I'm in one piece, and the thing flew off growling at us. I'll be honest I almost released my bowels into my pants, fortunately I'm stronger than that, well you know apart from the 30 minutes of releasing tears that came afterwards, that damned engineer called me a pussy to which I responded with a whack at her head with a log I had found that I was using as protection, again resulting in another near death experience, by Nitori's hand this time around, this time I only cried for 15 minutes though! I have never been so emasculated in my life…

"So you seem to be getting used to near death experiences faster than most of the humans Yukari brings here" Examined the Kappa, as she looked with curiosity as I comforted myself by playing Super Mario Advanced 3: Yoshi's Island, on my GBA.

"Yeah well when you are getting constantly attacked by demonic creatures, you kind of have to, otherwise you're going to die. AND I AM NOT GOING TO DIE! You understand Nitori?" I said with a stern look on my face.

She nodded; Nitori seemed to find me threatening even though she was ten times stronger than I was. She could kick my ass any day.

"Well don't worry, I'll keep you safe, after all you seem to know a lot about technology and it sure would be a shame if you died before you could tell me about it~"

She sang the last part of that sentence which made me uneasy. Perhaps if I tell her about it in exchange for her services as a bodyguard… Yes that seems like the logical thing to do.

I gave her a thumbs up as a way of showing my gratitude. "Tell you what, I'll tell you about it if you promise to keep me alive for as long as I live here."

Nitori ponders over what I have just said and the one thing that runs through my mind is "You cocky bastard! She'll force it out of you and kill you anyway now!"

To my surprise she doesn't try to kill me and eat my remains "No thanks, It would hinder the amount of time I get to spend trying to invent new things…" She says. Then the Kappa begins to pout, I assume as a way of getting me to tell her anyway.

"That won't work; I'm a rock when it comes to emotional shit!" I proudly say, even though this quality is considered to be a bad thing by most.

"Oh come on! Please I'll make you something amazing that you could use in self defence!" Her eyes were actually starting to tear up at this point…

Now a weapon could be useful, I wonder if she could make me the most amazing weapon known to man, the double barrelled shotgun…

"Ok then, you have got yourself a deal!" I say eagerly, Nitori stops tearing up and I find myself in her embrace. This is more than a little awkward.

"Thanks a lot! You have no idea how much engineering means to me!"

"Oh but I think I do…" I manage to push the overly cheerful Kappa away from me and I begin to feel less awkward, although it's still there.

"Haha, well let's hurry up the sun will set really soon!" She shouts as she begins to run ahead.

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><p>Nothing else really happened for the duration of that walk apart from the fact that I was left behind several times and on one occasion had to fight off one of those Yokai creatures. It bit my arm and wouldn't seem to let go, much like an angry hamster, so I did the opposite of what most people want to do, and pushed its head into the bite. It's uncommon knowledge but doing that forces the person biting to let go, thank you Q.I!<p>

We did eventually reach our destination however, It was a small village filled to the brim with a special kind of Yokai called Tengu, or at least that's what Nitori told me.

There was a Young Woman that appeared to be around the age of 17 or 18, which had just gotten up out of her seat and had drawn a sword from the sheath hung around her back. I took a couple of steps back and put my hands in the air. At this she just chuckled and sheathed her sword.

"Helping yet another lost human I see Nitori." She observed.

"Well hello there Momiji, nice to see you to. And yes, this is another one of Yukari's experiments from what I've gathered…" Nitori had said this in a rather fed up tone, It seems that there have been a load of others that have had the same treatment as me.

This Momiji girl was a rather interesting thing to see. She had snow white hair that went down to her shoulders with wolf ears protruding from the hair, She wore what resembled a small red box on the top of her head, It actually reminded me of fez's that are worn in some Eastern countries. She was wearing a white, long sleeved shirt said sleeves were detached, a black Skirt that went down to her knees, around the hem of the skirt there was a red maple leaf pattern. She was also holding a shield with yet another maple leaf on it, and had what appeared to be a white wolfs tail sticking out behind her.

"Yeah…" I finally found the courage to interrupt "Now it seems that I'm not the first person to have been taken from my home and placed here in Gensokyo, so where the hell are the others?" I ask nervously afraid of the answer

My fears are confirmed unfortunately "Dead, most of them end up being eaten within the first month or so, but on rare occasions it has been known for outsiders to live till they die of old age." Momiji had said in a rather blunt tone.

"Oh great, just great, I'm going to die here with no home, or family!" I said in a tone that was half sarcastic

"Quit your whining; be thankful that you're still alive thanks to me!" Nitori said, she seemed angry which seemed out of character for her. "You can be so pessimistic at times!"

"I can tell that and I've only known you for a couple of minutes" Momiji added

"Not really helping here, uh Momiji was it?" I was pretty sure it was but just in case

"Yes, Momiji Inubashiri, and who exactly are you?"

Both me and Momiji had blocked out Nitori from the conversation at this point and she had shyly walked of and was watching us from under a tree.

"Greg Bevan, nice to meet you I suppose"

"I see, so what's business dose an outsider, such as yourself, have here at Tengu village?" The wolf girl questioned.

"I'm looking for a place to stay I suppose."

Momiji burst into a fit of laughter; Nitori then got up from her spot under the tree and walked over to us.

"He's serious you stupid Tengu!"

Momiji began to dry the tears of laughter from her eyes and recomposed herself "Nitori, your telling me you brought a human here, to the TENGU village to find a place to stay. Any Tengu with an ounce of pride wouldn't be caught dead harbouring a human!" She said scolding the young engineer, causing her to back off and hide behind me, again extremely awkward moment.

I pushed her forward making her face Momiji again "Well er.. Y-y-es I did, surely there is someone in this village that will let him stay with them." The Kappa said losing confidence in herself.

"Actually, I think I know of someone who is so shameless she might just let you stay with her... For a price" She said with a smile forming around on her lips.

"Well I don't have any money so I'm screwed…"

"Oh, don't worry; you won't need money to pay her…" She said slyly

"Uh, who exactly are you talking about Momiji?" Nitori asked confused as ever.

"Oh you'll see, come with me, the less time I have to be seen with you the better." Momiji said looking around in a paranoid manner.

She grabbed me and Nitori by the arms and began to run at full speed through the village, she was running so fast that I the people just looked like blurs as we passed them by. By now Nitori had already keeled over and her face was being dragged across the cold stone, I on the other hand had thought of a way to stay of keeping my face from being grinded into the stone road, jumping, unfortunately I wasn't a fat Italian plumber, or carpenter ,your pick, so I ended up joining Nitori on the floor when I messed up one of my landings. Odd thing is I could have sworn Nitori gave me a thumbs up as we were being dragged along the floor.

"Ok then we're here" Momiji said as she pointed to the a small house with a sign outside of it that read "Bunbunmaru"

"Ugh… I think I'm bleeding from my ear that is never a good sign" I said groggily as I pull myself from up the cruel, rough, unforgiving road.

"Nope, you're not bleeding from your ear, just a small gash on your forehead is all…" Nitori said blissfully unaware that is potentially worse.

Momiji began to lick her lips at the sight of my freshly drawn blood, I then began to do what any sane person would do in this situation, use the cute, supposedly frail girl as a meat shield!

"David, what the hell are you doing!"

"Protect me Nitori, you shall be my God if you stop her from ripping my head off!"

Momiji began to return to her senses, and stopped drooling at the sight of me cowardly hiding behind the Kappa engineer "Don't worry, I'm not going to eat you so long as Nitori is friends with you…"

"Well actually we're…" Nitori started however I interrupt "Best friends! Ain't that right buddy?" I manage to save my ass just in the nick of time.

"W-what!" Nitori shyly said blushing as she said it.

"You heard me pal!" I shoot a thumbs up her way

Now normally I wouldn't take advantage of someone like this, but hell I'm not getting eaten. Priority 1: Stay alive, priority 2: Ethics

I then find myself in her embrace again, this time it's a little less tight. More like a hug that you give to one of your relatives I suppose would be a good description. Momiji is laughing away as she sees how uncomfortable I am finding this.

"Personal space, you little Kappa, personal space." Nitori is hesitant but let's go of me and I back of a bit.

"You need to understand I'm not into that kind of stuff Nitori"

She is still blushing from before, but this time it her entire face is a bright red.

She sheepishly rubs the back of her head "S-sorry about that."

"Yeah, refrain from touching me will ya?"

Momiji was starting to cease the fits of laughter she was put in by such an awkward moment.

"Aaaaaah, ok enough with that, if you want a place to stay here then this is your only bet!" Momiji said still snickering as she did.

* * *

><p>Momiji then kicked open the door and we all walked in, the room was small and quaint, it had a table in the middle of the room with a still warm cup of tea sitting on it. In the corner there was a small, wooden desk with a type writer on it with piles of unused paper lying next to it,a chair was sat next to the desk, from the kitchen you could smell what appeared to be burning stake, such a shame as well I do love stake, you can also make out some panicking noises coming from what one can only assume is the houses kitchen.<p>

"Hey Aya! Have I got one hell of a scoop for you!" Momji announced, her voice echoing throughout the entire house.

A girl emerged from the Kitchen holding the remains of a burnt stake on a plate. She had short black hair that lay one her shoulders, on her head was another one of those hats with a resemblance to a fez, her eyes were blood red and she did not have the pale skin that everyone else so far seems to have. She was wearing an black apron over a white blouse that screamed "Business only" , wore a short black skirt that was just above the knees in height and was wearing red sandals with an elevated platform in the middle of both.

"Oh and what might that be?" The Aya girl asked

Momiji pointed to me with a smile forming on her face yet again "See that boy over there, he is from the outside world, and has gotten the attention of our Kappa over there" She then pointed to Nitori who shyly hid behind me for the what seemed to be the tenth time today.

"Personal space…" I whisper to her, aggravated.

"Oh I see. Nitori, why have you taken a liking to this boy so fast? I could have sworn you were incredibly shy." Aya pushed her for information, pulling out a notepad and pencil from one of her pockets

"Uh, well, he's got all sorts of interesting technology on him…" She said blushing slightly…

"Go on…"

"If I may interrupt" Momiji began, saving Nitori from even more embarrassment "But this lad needs a place to stay Aya, so if you let him stay then you can have an exclusive interview with him."

"Oh! I could beat that Hatate bitch to the punch, Bunbunmaru would sell out!" Aya said passionately

"You've got yourself a deal! Umm, I didn't catch your name, who are you exactly?" Aya pushing for answers again.

"Greg Bevan, I assume you're Aya?"

"Yes, Aya Shameimaru, pleased to meet you" She bowed holding onto her hat as she did.

"Well I'll let you two get to know each other a little better. I think we should show ourselves out, right Nitori?" Momiji announced to the entire household

"Uh…Yeah."

"Well we'll be seeing you both then" Aya said

The two of them left the house so quickly I didn't even get to say a word…

"Wait a minute what about my 3DS! NITORI!"

"If I might interrupt human."

"Why bother asking for my name and then calling me human?"

Aya looked at me with a look that was a mixture of discust, confusion and oddly enough amusement. It seems as though I've said something to her that might be considered rude…BAH! I can't be bothered to figure out these people, they all belong in a bloody mental asylum, even Nitori as much as I have grown to like her in the past couple of hours.

"Ahahaha!" Aya began to laugh "You don't realise that you are a lesser being to us Yokai do you!"

"I gathered that I was lunch to a great deal of you bastards…"

OH BUGGER! That look on her face is bloodthirsty; I know I'll change the subject!

"I see you burnt your stake." Smooth Greg, so many things to say and you chose the burnt stake!

To my surprise Aya begins to pout, she looks down at her stake with a look of shame on her face. I don't understand these people one bit, one second bloodthirsty, then friendly, then depressed!

"Yeah, no matter how much I try I always burn it…"

Good, this might be a way to establish a friendship with her, that way I won't be eaten!

"Have you tried eating the stake rare, it's delicious!"

"I hate it rare, the blood tastes horrible!"

"Well I'll be, the so called greater being can't stomach the taste of blood…" I trolled

"Oh shut up will you human otherwise I'll kick your ass!"

"Well ok then, you racist fuck" I mutter the last part under my breath but to my surprise she hears it perfectly

"I am not racist!"

"Whatever you say…"

Aya began to growl, this made me want to piss myself, resisting this took some strength. I began to back off a little towards the exit. Just in case she loses it.

"Oh wait don't leave!" She said faking sincerity, quite well I might add.

"Promise not to rip my head off."

"Fine I won't kill you, happy now?"

"Very much so. Now then I hear that I have to give you some sort of interview, let's get it out of the way, shall we? "I said, just wanting to get this over with, so I can get some sleep.

"No thanks. I won't be able to publish it in time, plus if I leave you be for a while you might have done something juicy." She stuck her tong out at me as she said the last part of her sentence.

"Wait what?"

"Well what is your relationship with that Kappa for example?" She said in a rather sly and sexy tone

"What are you insinuating?"

"You tell me, you seem like an intelligent human being."

My response was me punching her in the shoulder, she grabbed her shoulder in surprise, but then began to chuckle.

"AHAHAHA! You're quite strong; I actually felt a small degree of pain just then!"

"Oh I can tell staying with you is going to be a barrel of laughs"

* * *

><p><em>I have to admit the idea of making Momiji a bit of a sadist was actually a lot of fun, I wanted to make her different from the norm in terms of most fanfics, although I may have taken it over the edge a little. After all I wanted her to still have some loyalty to the Tengu village and it's values but I got caught up in the midst of things and never really portrayed her as such in my opinion. Aya and Nitori are now official main characters and will be making frequent appearances throughout this fanfic. Also just so you know, I don't plan on making a romance in this at the moment, I dislike them generally and I would like to avoid being a hypocrite. <em>


	5. Chapter 4: Reporters assistant

_Howdy folks, this time I'm listening to my Mother 3i Album, I'm telling you this because I'm wondering whether or not this will change my writing style. I do realise I missed out the description of the main character but with the way I'm writing it, it just doesn't seem particle for him to describe himself, that may just be me though. Anyway this chapter features a whole lot of Aya, along with an array of other characters; think __**Shoot the Bullet**__ and __**Double Spoiler**__ in chapter form I suppose._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: Reporters Assistant <strong>

Aya had guided me to the guest room rather promptly after meeting me last night, the room obviously had not hadguests in sometime, as in what appeared to be 900 years unfortunately that seems to be impossible as Aya is this houses first owner. In said room I was lead to a broken and pathetically tiny excuse for a bed which she called a "Futon" I had to remove the cobwebs which had gathered on the bed and other parts of the room before I could really get any sleep without the idea of a Black Widow trying to bite me forming in my mind, I know they're not insidious to Japan but hell if people can fly I'm not risking it!

While cleaning up the cobwebs It became apparent that Aya has been using this as a store-room for some time. Several small things such as old camera's, A pile of old newspapers dating back to about 200 years ago, Clothes which Aya had obviously outgrown and Some photo albums. A particular photo album caught my eye, it was simply entitled "Blackmail", I skimmed the pages of this book and saw embarrassing, often sexual, photos filling up the albums pages. I saw quite a lot of Momiji photos while looking through this, Aya seems to have some sort of a thing for her I won't question it though. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I should get rid of it or not, for now it is sitting underneath this futon, I'm sure I'll find out what to do with them in due time.

"Oi, human!" Aya called from the hallway

Aya and most Yokai seemed to think of themselves as superior beings to humans, which in retrospect might be true to some extent, however they are completely backwards technology wise.

"What the hell is it Aya?"

"What are we eating for breakfast!"

I begin to burst into a fit of laughter as I heard this, Aya must be crazy if she honestly thinks that I will cook her food after she treats me like a doormat.

She walks in the room with a serious look on her face, I continue to laugh however "Oh that's rich, next you'll be dressing me up in a maids outfit won't you Aya!" I say through the laughter

"I'm serious damn it!"

I deadpan as I hear this; after all I never really had to do anything for myself before. I wasn't pampered mind you, I was just lazy, I have cooked for myself before and I consider myself somewhat of a gourmet.

"Oh, I see, perhaps I should proscribe you some pills due to your ill mental health…" I say, this caused Aya's face to light up red with rage.

"GERG!" She spurts out, foaming at the mouth

"It's Greg actually." Aya began to shake violently; her body filling with rage, hell even a blind man could tell you that!

Oh boy, I think I may have pushed that a little too far. If I want to stay alive I probably shouldn't make fun of people who won't hesitate to chuck in into the frying pan and serve me to their close friends as a main course.

"You know what." I begin in thought "I'm in the mood for some bacon, if you have any I'll fry some up for us…"

"Oh? I was hoping you'd be able to cook something a little higher class…" Aya says, pouting as she does.

"I'm no five star chef, so shut up and let me get to cooking!"

* * *

><p>I was left to find the bacon by myself, while Aya just stared at me emotionless. I suppose that would be her form of revenge for me calling her insane, though I'm not exactly incorrect if I do say so myself. After all one of my best subjects in school was Biology, we studied the human mind and I found it to be rather interesting to say the least.<p>

I made the smell of bacon waft through the air, using butter instead of olive oil adds a lot of flavour however it does make it extremely fattening, not that I care.

Aya began to sniff the air around her, drool began to fall from the right side of her mouth as she had a large, wide, admiring smile on her face "You know what, uh…Greg was it? You sure know how to make something that smells great."

"Thank you, the bacon should be done in about a minute, where exactly do you keep your bread?"

"Oh! I'll get it for you!"

What is this I don't even, Aya is doing something kind for me, If getting people to like me is as easy as cooking some bacon, or letting them destroy a £200 console, damn you Nitori, then I think I'll do just fine here!

"Here you go!" She said with a large flow of drool now leaving her mouth.

I took the bacon out of the pan and got to work making the sandwiches, which took about 30 seconds. I handed Aya hers, to which she responded by taking it from my hand with her teeth almost taking my hand with it, and began to eat away.

"Whoa there, I thought you were civilized Aya…"

"I HAVEN'T EATEN IN A WEEK DAMN IT!" She screamed at the top of her lungs in a demonic tone as it echoed throughout the house several times over.

"You're that bad at cooking?"

"SHUT UP AND LET ME EAT!"

I backed off and left her to feed; I walked back into the guest room/storehouse and sat on the bed, with a vacant look on my face. It is truly amazing how this isn't all just a dream, I mean one second I'm in my room being a lazy ass, now I'm in someone else's room doing the same thing as before.

"Ah that was delicious!" The savage beast had said, returning to her senses it seems.

She walked in the room with grease covering her face and somehow it had gotten on her skirt, I was so disturbed by this that I shivered violently for about 10 seconds.

"Thanks for cooking me that human!"

"We're already back to that title I see?"

"I suggest you don't get me in a bad mood, we're going out to get some reports for my newspaper." She stated this not really give me the option to say no.

"How about I sit here, while you go off and do that?"

Staring daggers at me seems to be today's theme…

"I could always chuck you out onto the street, I'm sure the other Tengu will take to a random human in their village very kindly." Aya said this with a devilish smile on her face.

"Fine, but if I'm going with you, won't I need some way to protect myself?"

"I suppose so, I do need to keep you alive, otherwise Momiji will have my neck." She said fearful of the wolf-girl

"Love you too." I said to her in a sarcastic tone.

To my surprise she began to laugh at this statement rather than go off into a rage.

"Well this room does double as my storeroom, I'm sure there's something you could use."

I began rummaging through the room to look for a suitable weapon, Aya appeared to be rather fidgety, I can only assume she was worried I would find that Blackmail album of hers.

I found several items I deemed suitable as a weapon: There was a 2x4 block of wood in, immaculate condition I might add, A plastic bat, A whip, I am not going to question why Aya would need a whip, she does seem to be a rather sick person though, and finally there were some steel chains.

"These are the best weapons you have!" I say rather agitated by the lack of choice

"Oh well excuse me for not catering for the needs of a human!"

"I'm probably going to die if I try to fight off a Yokai with this shit…"

Just as I said that my eyes averted to a corner of a room that I had left unchecked due to the fact that the junk that was in the way was rather precariously placed, however on one of the piles of scraps from Aya's collection of jack-shit I saw what could only be recognised as one of my favourite weapons of all time; The crowbar!

"OH MY GOD!" I shouted excitedly

"What, have you seen something you like?" Aya said, bemused by my change in mood.

"Yes I have!" I rush over to where the crowbar is, and oblivious of the danger climb the pile of junk to grab it.

With it in hand I stand on top of the pile and thrust it up into the air victoriously "Greg Freeman, Son of Gordan and Alyx Freeman! God among Gods!"

Aya looks at me admiringly and starts taking pics of me.

"That's a cool pose and all, but who the hell are Gordan and Alyx Freeman, I could have sworn you said your last name was Bevan."

With that sentence I fall off the pile and roll onto the floor with a thud, Aya doesn't bother to check on me so I get up and dust myself off.

"Don't worry about me; I just have a mild concussion is all."

Aya chuckled at my comment, I think she might be warming up to me.

"Well then, now that you have your weapon of choice it's time we left, it is noon already."

Aya took her notepad and pencil out of her drawer from her work desk, shoved them in a pocket and tightly held onto her camera all the while talking down to me as if it was a privilege I was even with her.

* * *

><p>We walked out the door and Aya grabbed my arm, which pissed me off due to my no touching policy, she had a devilish smile on her face "I hope you aren't afraid of heights…"<p>

"What the hell are yo-OH SHIT"

Aya took off into the air carrying me effortlessly through the skies as we flew to our first destination.

"So human, how are you enjoying your flight with Aya airlines?"

I was too busy staring trying to figure out how many feet in the air I was right now to respond to her, I'm going to guess we're at 1500 feet…

"I want to kill you Aya…"

"Now that wouldn't be very smart, considering you'd die as-well" She stuck her tong out to mock me.

We began our decent towards some sort of place of worship, I'm not exactly religious myself so I couldn't tell you what it was. There was a small dusty box lying outside of the place which seems to have been abandoned many years ago, The building in speaking was a dull brown colouration made almost entirely of wood with some dark red tiles on the top for the roof, despite the boring colouration the design of the place was rather intricate, I like it quite a lot.

"Here we are, Hakurei Shrine!" Aya said her voice booming

So this place is a shrine huh? I've heard of these places but I always thought they were more for cults.

"So where the hell is the leader of this cult then?" I announce my thoughts aloud.

"I am not a cult leader!" An unfamiliar voice booms out in a rage

A young girl walks out from behind the shrine holding a worn out broom that was begging for a replacement.

"Ah Reimu, just who we were looking for."

This Reimu character was the most humanoid person I have yet to come across. She had a normal eye colour, brown, her hair was very long and was black and her skin had some colour in it. Only thing that was the way she dressed is really bazaar, she was wearing a giant red bow on top of her head that was wider than her actual head, she was wearing some sort of red and white dress that had detached sleeves and more red bows on it and she was wearing what I consider to be a yellow neckerchief around her neck, although it does look a lot like yet another bow.

"Aya, who the hell is that?" I ask under my breath, fully aware she can hear me.

"That is Reimu Hakurei, Shrine Maiden, and protector to the boarder that separates the human realm and Gensokyo ." She whispers back.

"I'm not in the mood to talk to you right now, so I'm just going to have to fight you and your little assistant off." She says in cynical tone.

Aya chuckles a little and then a devilish smile grows upon her face "My, my Reimu! Have you lost all of your morals, threatening to attack another human being like that, I wonder what the residents of the human village would have to say about that…"

Reimu looked ashamed of herself after hearing that I was a human, she then stared daggers at Aya and began to growl "You dirty little Tengu! Using a human as a meat shield I presume!"

I am not entirely sure whose side I should be on I mean I know Aya better than this Reimu girl, but Aya does seem to treat me like a doormat, Reimu on the other hand…

"Oh! Nonononono!" Aya protested "I am letting this human stay with me in exchange for a few favours here and there!"

"Is this true!" She turns to me, with a rather serious look

"Sure, why the hell not?"

"I see, for you to have the balls to live on a mountain full of Yokai you must be quite the fighter…"

"Uh well actually, I can't hold my own against a single Yokai." Reimu deadpanned after hearing this.

"Well then genius why the hell aren't you living in the Human Village!"

"I'm going to say this now since you are to dim witted to say it human" Aya interrupted

"Greg…" I corrected

"Yes whatever, you see my accomplice here is from the outside world Reimu." Stated the reporter

Reimu greeted this sentence with her face against the wall of her shrine.

"Ah yes I forgot to mention that…" I began "Oh by the way what is the point of that box over there, you know other than collecting dust?"

"It's for donations."

"I see…" I pull out a five pound note from my pocket, well aware that it is going to be useless here; I walk over to the donation box and shove it in the slot.

Aya has a look of complete shock on her face, completely dumbstruck by my sudden act of kindness, or at least that's what it appears to be. Reimu has the same look of shock on her face, however her eyes are filled with joy and are literally welling up with tears.

"Uh…I'm sorry, but are you crying?" I inquire.

"It's been so long, so veeeery, very long since I last got a donation from someone." Reimu said through the tears of joy.

I can sense a hug coming my way so I promptly step behind of Aya to avoid Reimu's "Love"

Aya finds herself in the embrace that was intended for me, she struggles and squirms, calling out to Reimu telling her to get off, but she can't hear, she is too happy to pay attention to Aya right now.

"Bullet dodged." Simply put, that is what just happened.

"I can't thank you enough for this good sir! Could I get your name?" Reimu asks still holding onto Aya, with an Iron clad grip.

I begin to laugh out loud at this display of misplaced affection. After hearing this Reimu looks up to find herself clasped around Aya's waist her head placed directly under her bosom.

Aya began to smile devilishly again "Now, now Reimu! I didn't know you felt that way about me!"

Reimu backed off with an angry look on her face…Wait a minute she's blushing violently!

"S-s-shut up Aya!" Reimu stutters, her face getting even redder

Oh lord! Me thinks she has a thing for Aya…

"I was meant to be hugging the human and you know it!" She said, her face so red I doubt she could go any redder without passing out.

"Oh yes!" I say trying to pull away from this extremely awkward albeit kind of hot moment. "You asked for my name didn't you?"

Reimu's face begins to return to its normal colour "Yes, yes I did…"

"Alrighty then, my name is Greg Bevan." I say with a rather fed up tone in my voice, it seems all I have had to do for the past two days is introduce myself.

"Pleasure to meet you Greg, since you two are here now and I doubt I'll fend you off, would you like to come in and have some tea?" The shrine maiden asked begrudgingly

Aya is finishing writing down some notes before she answers Reimu "Oh no! We should be leaving now… I have everything I need from you."

Reimu has a look of dread on her face "Aya please don't!"

"Oh but Reimu chan~"

What the hell does chan mean? I've heard this during one of my many attempts to pass my time during the holidays, to be exact I tried learning Japanese; it did not go that well. Perhaps it's an honorific such as Sir or Madame.

"Come on human, we're leaving." She looks at Reimu one last time sticking her tong out at her, she then grabbed me by the arms and flew off into the sky while I entrusted my life to an insane supernatural woman yet again…

"I SWEAR TO GOD AYA I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU IF YOU PUBLISH THAT!" I can hear the pissed of Shrine Maiden shout at us from the ground bellow.

"Well aren't we the popular one, hmm Aya?"

Aya looks rather depressed when I bring this subject up and looks at me, not bothering to look at where she is going "Yes, well following my passion of being a reporter does have its downsides…"

"I'm sorry to hear that, if it makes you feel any better I consider you to be my friend, well sort of."

Aya looks at me with wide eyes that are welling up with tears, another one of today's themes, I really want to take my chance with the fall rather than risk having my no touching policy being violated anymore than it has to. She then stops dead in the air, for whatever reason I'm not dangling in her grip, in fact we are still at eye level.

"You know I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that to me before Greg…"

OH JESUS CHRIST SHE USED MY REAL NAME! PLEASE GOD, IF YOU EXIST SMITE ME NOW!

Of course that doesn't happen; she ends up hugging me and keeping me from escaping her. I know I've made this clear before but I have a strict no touching policy between the general members of the public, Aya is no exception.

"I have a strict not touching policy! You've been exempt from it so far because you have to hold me to keep me from falling, but no way are you getting away with this!" I thrust my now free arms into the air with a strong grip on my crowbar; I shove it between us and forcefully separate the two of us.

"Oh, so I see you don't like being hugged Greg, well I'm sorry. Or is it that you just don't like a woman's touch?" Aya said mockingly, I stared daggers at her.

"I'm not gay if that's what you're thinking Aya."

"Sure kid, whatever you say…"

I'm so tempted to prove her wrong, but it really isn't worth the aftermath…

"Hold on a minute, how exactly am I still in mid air!"

"It's one of my abilities, everyone has them. Mine are manipulation of wind, enhanced eyesight and hearing."

"So just so I can make this clear, you didn't need to touch me at all!"

"Well technically yes, but it's just easier on my part…" Aya begins to pout at my rage.

I really can't help but twitch at a violent speed, making unintelligible noises.

"Calm down will ya?" Aya said nonchalantly

"Go to hell Aya…"

"Give me a couple more thousand years."

She grabbed onto my arm again, to which I tried to protest to but I was so angry I couldn't move a muscle in my entire body.

I am starting to regret saying she was my friend. It appears that she feels comfortable enough to treat me with absolutely no respect whatsoever , I'm just not big on having my friends treat me with no respect, hell even my friends in the real world respected me a little bit, sure they were complete and utter assholes but there definitely was some form of respect in there!

"Hey now that we're 'friends' maybe you could try respecting me."

"No thanks…"

"It wasn't a suggestion, it was a demand." My face now showing no emotion at all, causing the Tengu reporter to sweat.

"Haha, come on buddy! Isn't the way I treated you like a friend is supposed to?"

My response is no response. I find that it is making her uncomfortable and she obviously won't kill her only friend in the world, so I can be a little bit more lax when it comes to my attitude around her.

"G-greg?"

"Sorry, I was just thinking of a way to make this friend thing work in my favour." I give off a devilish smile.

"You know, even if you're my friend I will kill you!"

"Wait what?"

Oh lord that smile is more demonic than devilish, she looks like she might actually try and pull something. Quick Greg grab a hold of her arm and don't let go! My crowbar now successfully held in position by my jaw…

Aya begins to laugh at this and simply gives me a thumbs up, we then begin to fly over a dense forest that seems to have several winged, humanoid creatures flying about it bellow. One of these creatures notices our presence and points it out to the others, they begin to fly up and charge at us while…Well I know it seems impossible but they appear to be shooting bullets of pure energy from their hands.

"Oh for the love of god, why can't fairies just leave people be?" Aya complains.

Wait did she just call them fairies? It is almost official; this is some cheap knock off of Neverland isn't it? I will have to talk to my supervisor about this, speaking off which where is Yukari anyway? I'm assuming she's my supervisor anyway.

"Ok Greg, I'm going to position you so you can knock them out of the skies with your crowbar, ok?"

"Okaaaaaay."

She thrusts me in front of her, I am left to take the full blow of a lot of these "Bullets" even though they are pathetically weak. I turn round to find that Aya is looking at me with amazement as I am not at all fazed by the bullets in the slightest and continue to swing my crowbar at the passerby fairies.

"It appears no matter where it is, whether it be video games, or movies, or some magical alternate universe fairies all have one thing in common; they're the most annoying, irritating things on the planet!" I proclaim.

"What the hell are the first two things?"

"Never you mind, let me swat one of two more out of the sky, I've been waiting to do this since I played Ocarina of Time!"

Aya is obviously confused out of her mind as to what I'm on about, however I really don't care, picturing Navi on the face of each one of those fairies removes any gilt I had for sending them to their deaths!

"Die MOFO's die!"

Ah this is relieving a whole lot of stress from that game, oddly enough I have no anger towards the water temple as I beat it easily, but towards the hand-holding system that was invented when that game was released.

"Ok I'm good…"

"Well isn't that convenient, we've reached our next destination, Kourindou…"

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><p><em>I know I've ended off on an unnecessary cliff-hanger but I needed to end this off, the section of this story that is going to focus on mainly Greg and Aya might take one or two more chapters, I have a little bit of an abnormality planned ahead for Greg though so I need to introduce one more character.<em>

_Also for the most part this story will focus on 4-5 main characters, three of them have already been introduced however there is at least one more character I need to introduce and the fifth will be introduced if I think it's necessary. Enjoy the rest of your day!_


	6. Chapter 5: Place your bets

_Howdy folks, What is this I don't even! An update, after about a month (I think), if you're going to blame something blame Fallout: New Vegas and Advanced wars, I just never got round to finishing those games completely. _

_I've decided to say this now just to make this clear; Greg is not a self-insert, true he shares some of my qualities such as the ability to ramble on in his thoughts, his thought structure in general is like mine. I suppose he is a combination of people I know to make the most neutral protagonist ever. Yes he is in my eyes neutral, not hell-bent on taking over the world, but not planning to save it if it's in trouble._

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><p><strong>Chapter 5: Place your bets<strong>

We landed in a clearing, with the bodies of the fairies I had knocked out of the sky littering the pathway up to a building in the shape of a bungalow. The building in question was plain, It had dull light brown tiles on it's roof, that was in the shape of a trapezium, as is per-usual with these kind of places. The outside walls were made of a cheap wood, most likely pine, but hey! What do I know? The only abnormality, in fact, was the entrance that stuck out from the rest of the structure, with two windows on either side of your normal looking door, the door had a sign on it, I couldn't tell you what it said due to the fact it was written in Japanese, which begs the question; why did Aya's house have her sign in English? Those windows looked like they belonged in a prison though! I mean those things couldn't light up a breadbox, even if they were given some oil and a lighter!

The things surrounding the building were very interesting however. There was so many bazaar things, like a cat statue, a bike, a broken trampoline, several Video tapes with the tape hanging out of them, it seems that they're being used as a decoration. On the floor was something of use to me, a DVD, I picked it up as to examine it and found that despite the fact that the cover of the DVD was scratched beyond all recognition, the back side of it was in immaculate condition.

"I'll take this fooooor….research purposes." I shamelessly said, pocketing said DVD.

As we were walking up the path to the house I caught a glimpse of Aya's notepad, it had several things written down on it such as: Smart ass, funny, asshole and then finally I saw the word thief. Now I'll give Aya the asshole thing as to some degree she is right, and by that I mean I am one, but I will not let her tarnish my name with the word thief, after all how exactly is taking a wrecked DVD off of the ground stealing?

"Hey there Aya, I'm not just some sort of petty thief!"

"Oh? Then would you care to explain the disk you just put in your pocket?"

And she thinks that I'm the smart-ass…

"I'm sorry, but I never knew that taking a wrecked DVD off of the ground was stealing, I'll keep that in mind in the future." I won't, I mean really it's just lying there and the people here have no use for these things!

"You better….Wait a minute, that thing's called a DVD?" She asked perplexed at how I knew the things name.

"Yes, it stands for Digital Video Disk, I think… I honestly can't remember right now. It's used to keep information on it, such as the images for a Movie or the code needed to play a game, complex stuff…"

"…What?" The tengu reporter had asked this in the most confused expression possible by any living creature, I knew I shouldn't have tried to explained how a DVD works to someone like her…I mean it's as illogical as leaving a bird in charge of a Nuclear Reactor.

"You know what, never mind. I'll just say this, I have a use for it, you do not."

"You're still on your trail period you know? If you piss me off enough you'll be back out on the street, so I'd watch what you say, if I were you…" Oh screw you Aya!

* * *

><p>With that I simply kept my mouth shut and allowed her a moment of victory, God knows I've had enough of those for one day anyway. We then walked into the building, doings so made a bell chime, alerting the residency of the building they had visitors. Walking into the main room reminded me of my bedroom, there was junk as far as the eye could see, a true paradise, of course you could make your way through all of this junk with relative ease, there was a small path made out for people to walk through and everything.<p>

At the end of that path was a desk, behind that desk slept a man, of twenty five odd years of age by the looks of things. His hair was somewhere between grey and white, he was wearing a pair of thick glasses, shoddily made might I add. And as for the rest of his get up, well I don't really know how to describe it, it was dark blue in coloration and he had a bag strapped around the waste, but it's not really clothing I can really name if I'm perfectly honest with you.

"My, my! Rinnosuke, sleeping on the job, how unprofessional!"

The man sleeping in his chair woke up and hit his head against the wall that the chair was propped up against. You could hear him moan in pain as he clenched the back of his head.

"Uh, what do you want Aya?" He said groggily

"I'm just here to pick up some supplies for my reporting duties, some film and batteries, you know the usual."

"Wait, wait, wait! You're calling him unprofessional and yet you need to go get supplies while getting reports for your newspaper!"

"You can just shut the hell up right now Greg!" Aya said rather pissed off at my response, I should mention Rinnosuke had a look of smugness across his face as he stared Aya down.

"You know something Aya? I like your new friend…"

"The relationship is strictly business."

Charming Aya! I'll never take pitty on you again, even if your self-of-steam has been beaten with a stick and you're crying in a corner! Yep, I have to stick to that now.

"Thanks Aya." I said in a sarcastic tone, as if that wasn't obvious, but I digress.

She looked at me in shock as she realized what she had just said and what we had discussed earlier, a look of horror began to grow on her face, she obviously was afraid that I was going to hate her or something, I wander how many friends she actually has…

"I-I-I'm sorry Greg! It's just that I get pissed off easily, and-and! I'm sorry!" Her face is bright red, a furious shade of red, the kind of red that you'd expect to see painted on a wall in one of those stereotypical horror movies, if you catch my drift.

Aya is continuing to grovel, and if I'm honest, I like it! Yes you foolish little crow, bow down to me, your god, ruler, the almighty Gregary Bevan! I could get used to this, maybe I should get her to say these kinds of things more often, I mean Rinnosuke seems to be enjoying the show as-well so I can't be being that cruel!

She was just making high pitched noises and moved her hand to touch my shoulder. Thus the moment was ruined "Ok, ok, I get it Aya you're sorry! You're forgiven; now get of me before you burn in a pit of fire!" Last part was said demonically folks!

Aya sighs a sigh of relief "Thank god, I thought you were going to hate me." Her face was now returning to its natural colour for about the 5th time today.

Oh god! Must resist being an asshole, gah! I can't! "Who said that I didn't hate you?"

"W-What!" Aya said, flustered, sounding as if I just stabbed her in the back with a makeshift shank.

"Calm down, I'm just kidding, Jesus!" Aya looked kind of pissed off, but somehow she managed to control her emotions! What's next? I'll meet someone with a balanced personality? HOHOHOHOHO!

At this point Rinnosuke had walked off into the store-room chuckling at the conversation me and Aya were having. He came back holding some camera film and a pair of batteries, loose, with no kind of container for them in sight.

"Here you go Aya" Rinnosuke said this in a calm, dull tone handing over the supplies

"I suppose that'll be the usual?"

"But of-course."

Aya pulled out a roll of "bills" from…Somewhere, let's not jump to conclusions here, but let's just say the general jurisdiction is not the normal place to keep money. I suppose that means that not many people rob the girl though, which is probably a good thing because she doesn't seem to be the most popular resident here in this magic "fairy" world, not a huge fan of this place.

"Here you go, 600 yen." She happily handed over the money in exchange for her supplies, seems like a lot to pay for some film and batteries, but hey, what do I know about Japanese currency?

"Alright, now please get out so I can continue to sleep." Rinnosuke said this, positioning a pillow carefully where he would place his head.

"For everybody loves Aya~" I sang this on the way out, Aya pleaded me to stop making fun of her, but I'm an asshole so yeah…Not going to happen! Now that I think about it, it would be cool to have my own calling card.

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><p>Me and Aya left the place without saying a word, I waved my hand back at Rinnosuke as a sign of courtesy, but apart from that we just left him to get back to his 'job' "Alrighty then, it's getting kind of late, so let's hit up one more destination before I head home." Aya said looking at the position of the sun in the sky.<p>

"We went to one place for news Aya, and we didn't get anything newsworthy." I groan at the oddly happy Tengu.

She looks back at me with a devious smile and chuckles a little..."Oh! I got plenty of news from that little visit Gregary Freeman." She winked, obviously she doesn't know what I was referring to when I made that, the most godly of comments, but I suppose that's life. I do wander what news she could have gotten from there, I mean the all the religious nut did was get pissed off at us, hug Aya and…OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! AYA'S NEWSPAPER IS GENSOKYO'S EQUIVILANT OF THE SUN! HAVE SOME INTEGRITY WOMAN!

"Aya, I will not, no scratch that, cannot respect you if you print a story about what happened with Reimu. It's not even bloody news! It's gossip is what it is!" I will say this now for anyone who is mentally retarded, I hate newspapers that print news like "Bobby Jones makes love to racoon?" I mean who cares! If anyone does they must be idiots.

"Oh come on! I need to make a living and people are interested in this stuff, including me…." She pouts, looking up at me every-now-and-then to see my expression, deadpanning for the win!

I can't stand this anymore, I can't be bothered to wait for her to stop moaning about this so she can "win" in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word "Ok then Aya, whatever you say…" As expected, she immediately through her fist up in the air with victory, and then grabbed my arm…Must resist urge to bludgeon her with my crowbar…

"Aaaaaaaand we're off!" Gleefully said miss Shameimaru, but I shall be the one smiling in the end…

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><p>Huh. Aya hasn't said anything in ages and I'm suppressing the urge to kill so I can't say anything, there must be a way to pass the time…<p>

"Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time ~" I know I said I couldn't talk, but this is singing, so yeah.

Aya looked back at me confused but I didn't care because…

"I feel alive- and the world it's turning inside out yeah!~  
>I'm floating around in ecstasy~<br>So don't stop me now, don't stop me~  
>'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time ~<p>

I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies~  
>Like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity~<br>I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva~  
>I'm gonna, go, go, go~<br>There's no stopping me…" Ok I forgot the rest of the song so that ended far more abruptly than I had hoped…

"Wow! That was amazing!" The crow-girl-thing said in admiration.

"Pardon?"

"I mean your singing was mediocre but the lyrics to that song are simply incredible!"

"Yes, well you have the band Queen to thank for that, I was just passing the time." Now then, I may be a complete and utter asshole, but I certainly do not take credit for other someone else's work.

"Who're Queen?"

"A band from the outside world, now are you going to continue to ask questions or may I have the talking bear now?" Aya looked at me with a confused expression, apparently she never did that thing in school where we all sat in a circle and said things about ourselves, only with the little teddy bear mind you, if you talked without it then you would be castrated. Ok the last part may have been an exaggeration…

"I suppose you can ask a question…"

"Good. Now, where exactly are you taking me?"

It is mentionable that our current surrounding is that of a lake, the forest was behind us and the fairies that tried to attack us were just too damn slow, so no problems there. This lake has a thick layer of mist shrouding what I assume would be a crystal clear surface of water, you know, unless Gensokyo has a massive industrial district where tones upon tones of toxic waste is released into the lake. Probability of that being true? Let's just say that it's less than winning the lottery.

"Oh? Just a little place called the Scarlet Devil Mansion…" Aya says nonchalantly.

"You just love taking me to places of danger don't you?"

"Hey! Almost everywhere in Gensokyo is dangerous, it's not my fault!"

"Sure kid…"

Aya bit her lip and continued to keep flying, muttering something under her breath, I could make out the words "I hope that idiot doesn't show up today." I honestly don't know what the girl is on about, but she does seem to be insane, so go figure.

* * *

><p>Now, I'm not normally one to take names literally, but after seeing this place I just think I might have to. The entire mansion was scarlet! I mean the obsessions with colours in this place is just ridiculous!<p>

For reasons unknown to me, Aya had chosen a nice bush for me to get my body crippled in. She literally landed in front of the bush, and dropped me in it!

"Gee! Thanks for being such a great pal Aya!" The girl actually laughed at that, nice to see someone here appreciates sarcasm.

"Yeah, well, don't insult me…" Insane~

"Sure kid, like I could do that." Aya laughed a little, it was one of those "It's funny because it's true" moments that you come across from time to time, very rare though.

After fully recovering from being mauled by a bush, manly as ever by the way, me and Aya walked down the pathway towards the gates of the mansion. A couple of fairies tried to attack us, but that girl is far stronger than I thought she was, she literally swung a tornado from her fan at them, not my preferred method, but it works.

"Ok then Greg, we need to be quiet now that we're approaching the gate…"

"Why might that be?" I said, smashing a fairy over the head with a crowbar, don't get me wrong though, I have been trying to ignore it but it just wouldn't give up! Dumbass fairies…

"Well, let's just say that people aren't welcome here…"

"Remind me again, why did you bring me along?"

Aya just left me hanging, I can only assume the answers she had come up with were so horrible that she would have gotten a verbal beating from me, thus pissing her off and well….A murder would be committed.

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><p>We continued our rather short walk down the path; the Tengu raised her hand to command me to stop my movements. She pointed out to me a girl sleeping in a rather awkward position, standing up, near the gates opening. The girl was garbed in a guard's uniform, I presume, the hat she wore on her head was, so far, second only to Nitori's, I swear to god though, these people and their hats, worse than the colour obsession! Back on topic, her hat was that of a barrette in shape, it was dark green with a little, metallic but dirty bronze star on the front of it. She is also wearing a dark green dress with a white blouse underneath, well it may have been something else, but I don't give two flying fucks about what the clothing is actually called. The girl was keeping to the scarlet theme, oh joy, with scarlet coloured hair tied back with black ribbons, it is also notable that the hair went down to at least her waist, maybe further. All in all, I'd say she was about 16 in age.<p>

"Ok then, let's just sneak on by without her hearing us…" I assume this is easier said than done.

"Sure."

Aya slowly pulled me along by the collar of my shirt, sticking to the shadows given off by the trees in the surrounding area, we got to the wall and well…We got passed her pretty easily, uneventful, but it's easier on me, so I'm happy.

"Doesn't this seem a tad to convenient Aya?" Says I, the king of logic.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just that the doors to the mansion are wide open, the girl was way too easy to get passed, If this was the human realm we'd have been arrested for breaking and entering by now…"

"Oh please! I'm the expert here! I've lived in Gensokyo all my life!" Pride. It is but a hindrance to ones true understanding of the world, one day, I'll teach you that Aya…

Still, it's one of those "It's quiet, too quiet moments." I know it's a cliché, but it's true!

Heh, I just realised what this place reminds me of, being all ominous and all… "Meanwhile, at the legion of doom!"

"What?"

"Never mind Aya…Never mind."

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><p><strong>Meanwhile, inside the Scarlet Devil Mansion…<strong>

"Lady Remilia, two people have been seen entering the mansion."

"Who might they be?"

"Aya Shameimaru, and a young man, of the human variety."

"Shameimaru!…"

"Shall I get go and get rid of them?"

"No Sakuya, I'll take care of this, that girl has been a thorn in my side for too long…"

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><p>Ok! I am getting pissed off with all these bloody fairies! They come out of nowhere and start attacking you for no good reason, then they bitch and moan when you fight back! If you don't want to get hurt, then don't start a fight for god's sake!<p>

"Where exactly are we going Aya?"

"We're going to the mansion's library, the librarian, Patchouli Knowledge, is always doing something interesting." A librarian with the surname knowledge, how ironic.

"So…" I say as Aya blasts away another horde of fairies "Do you know where we are?"

"O-of-course I do! I'm a reporter, so it's m-my duty to know!" How exactly can you mix pride and nervousness successfully? I don't know, but Aya pulled it off. That being said, that display of nerves just told me what I had feared. We. Are. Lost.

"Another group…" Aya groaned. She was, at this point, as fed up with fairies as I was. "Shall I handle this or do you want to?"

"Do you even have to ask?" The girl groaned again and swung a tornado their way, you could hear their screams of terror as they were send flying against the wall, several of them exploding against the wall, the rest became unconscious as they hit the ground with a thud.

"Why can't you deal with them for once?"

"But, I thought you said that humans were weak, pathetic and useless."

Oh boy! She just loves to look at me with a murderous intent!

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><p>So after, oh, I don't know, 20 more minutes of solid walking, we finally came across the entrance to the library. Aya still said she knew where we were going the entire time, but that's highly doubtful. I did happen to keep my distance from the crow, she says she's a crow at least, that's just another part of her insane personality in my opinion. Anyway, like I thought before, I kept my distance, a good 5 metres, just in case she got tired of me and decided to disembowel me.<p>

"Finally!"

"Told you I knew where I was going!" A tad to sassy for my liking.

"Yes, because walking around a mansion for 20 minutes proves you knew where you were going…"

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO CRUEL!" Boy, do I know how to make a lady happy or what?

"I prefer the term 'Asshole'"

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><p>Aya managed to calm herself down after two minutes of pointing at me and trying to talk but it just came out as inaudible sounds. I do have to admit this though, she's managing to keep her cool around me quite well now, she's learning fast!<p>

"Ok then Greg, I want you to be quiet for me so that we can uh…Observe, yeah, observe is a good word, what Patcholi is doing without being seen."

"So you mean spy?"

"Nononononono! W-well er…y-yes." So the girl does have some shame after all. Still, this is pretty much what the "Press" do. They go around spying on other people's private lives then document it for the whole world to see. The only difference between the reporters in my world and Aya is the fact that mine were far more upfront about it all.

"Well, whatever, let's get this over with..."

"That's the spirit." Huh, since when did she learn how to use sarcasm?

We walked into this gigantic library, and when I say gigantic, I mean it's the size of a bloody U.S Army base. There were thousands upon thousands of books stacked up on bookshelves that were almost as high as the ceiling itself, and, of-course, there was the continued scarlet theme. There was also some sort of mist rising from the centre of the library.

"Ok then." Whispered Aya, as she guided me through the maze of bookshelves towards that very same area of the library. "We need to find a good, comfortable spot to set up camp."

"How long do you expect this one 'Observation', as you put it, to take?"

"Hmmm, anything from 2 to 6 hours really." The girl says this as if it is the most natural thing in the world! I will not stand for this!

"How about anything from 2 to 6 minutes."

"I'm not taking suggestions from a rookie."

"It was more of a demand, but ok…"

"I shall not be commanded to do things by some lowly human you hear? Even if we are quote unquote 'friends'." She said this in a loud whisper. I wish the people here weren't so narrow minded, you'd think they kept humans as slaves. Wait. Do they?

"Ok then, whatever…"

"Damn straight, you don't call the shots, I do!" Yes, I just manipulate you so that I can get my way, that's the plan at least.

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><p>We made our way to the centre of the room, there was a clearing that was about 50 by 50 metres with a cauldron sitting in the middle of it bubbling away, giving off a gas with no scent what-so-ever, the cauldron was sitting next to a small wooden table with a chair next to it, on said table there was a book with about 1000 pages in it. The person attending to all of this was a woman who looked like she could keel over and die at any second, she would continue to cough and splutter, and her legs were no longer being used, she would just float to wherever she needed to go.<p>

The woman in question was about, 20 maybe? It's hard to tell when she looks so terrible. As you can probably guess the woman had pale white skin, she looked almost undead even, she had dark purple hair, don't expect a shade from me I'm no artist, and purple eyes. Her clothing was also very bazaar, basically she appeared to be wearing her pajamas while flying around an cauldron of boiling liquid, the clothing was quite loose as you'd expect and as is per usual with these people, she was wearing headwear, although this was a nightcap with a moon on the top, everything she was wearing was a lighter shade of purple, maybe lavender, I don't know…

Aya was continuing to take pictures of the cauldron and was writing down notes, she could obviously hear what the woman was muttering about because she'd written down quotes from her already.

"So we really just sit here for 2 to 6 hours?" I complained, rather than asked.

"Yes we do, now shut up and watch a master at work."

At that very second the woman stopped dead in her tracks, at this point I think it's safe to assume that woman is Patchouli, so Patchouli stopped dead in her tracks. It appears the master has been spotted; in fact, the master appears to be cowering in fear behind the bookshelf and is finding it hard to contain her whimpers of fear.

Then the woman just dismissed it! The cheek of it all, it would have been nice to see Aya at the end of the stick for once! Not to be cruel or anything but-

_**SMASH!**_

Whoa what the hell was that!

Both me, Aya and Patchouli turned our heads towards the sound, the doors to the library had been thrown open and some of the wood even got chipped off their edges. Standing just infront of the doorway was a pissed of little girl with bat wings and a maid. I honestly can't be bothered to describe what they look like in full so here's the short version: Maid = French maid outfit, silver coloured hair, seems to be serving little girl, knife obsession. Little girl = Seemingly expensive dress, Light blue hair, Most likely a vampire knowing my luck, More hats, yay! There, I just saved myself a good 500 – 1000 words worth of boring thought.

"Shameimaru!" Screamed the little girl in the pink mop hat.

She seems pretty pissed off at Aya, no need to worry though she's only around 12 years old! Aya could take her any da-Hold the phone! Aya looks like she'd just been caught breaking and entering…Oh wait. Well either way, she looked scared, not soiled yourself scared, the kind of scared you get before taking an exam without revision, believe me I know. She also was hiding behind me in an attempt to protect herself…Did I mention that she's hiding behind me? I don't like being a meat shield!

"Since when were you scared of anything, I thought you were some kind of demi god?"

"Y-y-yeah, but the girl isn't playing around, I mean look around, we're outnumbered greatly, in the heart of the enemy's fortress no less!" Oh, so she does have some common sense…

"Who said anything about 'We'?" Cowardly, dishonourable, call me what you will. This is probably the best survival tactic out there, face the truth people, would you do anything else?

Surprisingly enough Aya composed herself after that "At least I can take solace in the fact that I'm stronger than you are Greg." She flips a little thumbs up my way and flies off towards her attacker…Insane~

"Ah, there you are Shameimaru, so nice of you to come out of hiding." That's one devious grin the little bitch has on her face, I wonder what kind of tricks she has up her sleeves that made Aya so frightened…

"Yes well my friend gave me a little morale boost." The proud-as-ever Tengu calmly said back.

It seems more like a reverse-morale, still morale, just given off when I showed my weak side, which is, ironically, my survivalist side as well.

"Oh, how nice of your HUMAN friend to do that for you." Oh that does it!

"Hey screw you buddy!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

I'm sick and tired of this prejudice everyone seems to have towards humans, what the fuck is wrong with us! You'd swear to god they all forgot that they're using our basic genetic design and modifying it, so without us, no "Yokai!" In theory that should be true, at least.

"Stay out of this Greg, it doesn't concern you!"

"Fine, I'll just sit here and say nothing, like a good little human! Let you ladies get down to business!" Sarcasm in my voice there.

"Thank you, you have redeemed yourself for your earlier outburst human." She took it seriously…

"Uh Remilia that was-" Aya tried to tell her but she got interrupted.

"I almost forgot about you! How embarrassing would that have been?" She said in a now demonic tone with a hint of sweetness...Retarded combo.

My so called friend's back straightened up, she was prepared for the worst it seems.

"You've been a thorn in my side for too long…" Calmly but murderously, never can be one tone with these people. "I would like to do this in a civilized manor, so how about a friendly spellcard battle?"

"Like I have a choice…"

"Ohohoho! So true~" Remelia, I think that's what Aya called her, sang with joy. "Anyway, I have some conditions. 1. No using your camera. 2. You can only use danmaku, no hand-to-hand. And 3. You can only use 3 spellcards."

"Ok, so what happens if I win?"

"If you win my dear, you'll get an exclusive interview with Patchy over there plus you shall be allowed on and off the grounds of my mansion without any trouble for a month."

"Wow that's an amazing deal!" The girl sounds so excited that she seems to have forgotten that the deal is a little to amazing, either Remilia is extremely confident in her abilities or she has an "Ace in the hole" a "Plan 'B'" if you will.

In the background I could vaguely hear Patchouli trying to object to this agreement but instead coughing uncontrollably for 10 seconds

"But if you lose…" That tone doesn't sit right with me…

"T-then?..."

"Then you leave, no complaints, no tricks, nothing. I'd say never come back, but we both know that'll never happen." Reasonable.

Aya gave off a sigh before pulling out her fan-of-doom. "Alright, let's get this over with then."

"Oh…I'm going to enjoy this….A little too much…" Wow that's really psychopathic

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Oh god, I don't like the sound of that, she sounds like she'll fight to the death….Then again…It's not my problem, I could just…Sit back and watch…

"Bring it on! AYAYAYAYAYA!" My de-facto friend said with a lot of confidence in herself, de-facto is an extremely enjoyable phrase…Shame it can only be used in very select situations.

Wait a minute! "Did you just use 'Ayayayayaya' as a battle cry?" I called up to her "Because that is the most egotistical thing I've ever heard!"

Aya growled at me and shot several tornados at Remilia, without even looking, all of them hitting her, somehow. "Shut the hell up Greg! I'm the one fighting so I can say whatever the hell I want!" I'll leave her be, Remilia took quite a beating from those tornados.

"My, my. Not paying attention to your opponent is never the smartest of things my dear Tengu." While I can't argue with her, she did somehow manage to get hit by blasts that Aya wasn't even aiming, she couldn't have been paying attention…Maybe she was just blinded by rage?

Remilia then shot several blood red bullets at Aya, she also kept her encased in a web of lasers that restricted her movement considerably. The girl managed to dodge the barrage fairly easily, although she did take a couple of hits directly to her chest…Now I can't say I know exactly how painful that is, as I am not a woman, but by the cries of pain and the wincing, I'm going to assume the answer is: A lot.

Aya looked enraged by this development. Screaming at her attacker "You little flat-chested loli! You don't know how much that hurt!" Loli huh? It's obviously Japanese, everything is, perhaps it's an insult? She does look extremely young, maybe it's a term for child? I don't know…

"Oh! You did not just call me flat-chested!" What's her problem? She's a child, she'll get to the age eventually…OH! She's a vampire, I have decided that now, so it's likely that they don't age, due to you know, being dead. Well, undead.

"Oh, but I did!" Aya called back, grinning at how much this insult pissed off the little brat.

"This is turning into some fight, huh?" Whoa! Where the hell did she come from!

The girl is rather interesting in looks though, more so than the average female in this place, she had wings on her back and a pair of smaller wings on her head, which I think is pretty cool.

"Yeah…Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Koakuma, nice to meet you!" She says this in an oddly mischievous way, as if she has something planned for me…

"Likewise."

"Anywaaay~ I was wondering if you were up to a little wager?" Aha! Gambling! That's her angle!

"Oh that does it!" Aya shouted to her opponent after having her calf grazed by a laser.

"Depends…"

"On…" The weird looking girl continued for me.

"On what the wager is about." I gave off a confident smile that made her smile back at me with the same expression.

"Oh, it's quite a simple wager…Who will win, who will lose?"

"Alright then, how much?"

"50'000 yen."50'000! Ok Greg, think this over, how much money is that in terms of pounds… Maybe £400? I don't have that kind of money on me…

"Sure!" Well, It's not like I expect to lose…

"I'll admit that was a pretty strong attack Aya…But take a look at your arm." That sounds bad…

"So, who do you want to place your bet on?" She asked this, so I took a look up to survey the current situation.

The little girl had a chunk of her Sleeve and skirt missing. Aya had lost all the buttons off her blouse and was simply not caring about the exposure, she also seemed to have lost a sandal, she had a gash on her arm that was giving off a steady flow of blood and she was currently avoiding a barrage of bloody knives.

"My arm! I'm going to have to get Eirin to look at this now!"

"Hmmm…" I said looking at my options. Aya doesn't seem to be doing so great, but I know she is strong and she is also my friend…Yeah I think I know who I'm going with.

"I think I'll go with the Psychopathic brat." You expected any less from me?

"What! B-b-but! Sh-she-she's your friend! You're not going to back her up!" She looks depressed…I guess she was expecting me to pick Aya due to the fact that I know her, thing is MoneyFriendship…Well, most of the time anyway.

"No mam! All the money on the winning party!"

"No fair! You weren't meant to pick Remilia-san!" Pouting! When things don't go your way, this is the sure fire way to get it, well, it would be if I were somebody else.

"Tough luck."

"Patchouli-san! He won't change is bet!" She is really telling who I assume is her superior that I won't change my bet…

She coughs for a while before telling her lesser. "I don't approve of that horrible past-time, you settle this between yourselves."

"Hmph!"

"Shut up and watch the fight, if Aya wins you'll be getting the money from her anyway so your mistress wins either way!" Well, I hope Aya will, otherwise I'm screwed.

"Let's see if you can hit me in this!" Aya shouts, pulling out a card from god-knows where "Wind God "Wind God Hidden Among Tree Leaves"

The card turned into a flash of light before a large amount of sharp, leaf shaped bullets filled the air above Me and the other two, the little brat weaved through the storm with some effort. The girl was keeping her cool surprisingly, if I'm honest, I probably couldn't handle that, I'd get hit by that storm of leaves…It would probably kill me with ease, so I'm glad me and Aya are on good terms with each other.

"HAHAHAHA!" Aya's voice echoed "Can you find me? I doubt you can!~" She sung, her location unbeknown to me, but that little brat seemed to know where she was.

"Oh? You don't think I can't see you, you foolish little Tengu! Never underestimate the power of a member of the Scarlet household!" She announced, her voice filled to the brim with cockiness.

Ok! I'll be honest here, in my professional opinion, which I respect, she has her head so far up her own ass that not even the world's most experienced and professional doctors could save her from suffocation!

She then shot a barrage of scarlet coloured bullets to the right "OWW! How the hell did you manage to find me!" Aya screamed.

Now, I'll be honest, I am surprised that a 12 year old girl can shoot magical pixie bullets from her hands, let alone find out where Aya was, I mean, I have perfect 20-20 vision and I couldn't see her! Actually, I kind of got distracted by the overall complexity of the patterns that were being made by the bullets, you could put that kind of thing on display in an art gallery!

"I told you not to underestimate me~" She sang in a demonic tone, fun! "In fact, I think it's about time that you left the premises, I'm bored with your pathetic attempts to defeat me."

As she said that the leaves that she was so gracefully avoiding suddenly disappeared with a flash of light.

Aya stood there-er, rather floated there, panting heavily, I then noticed she had had her sleeve penetrated by one of those rusty, blood covered knives had dug deep into an area near her chest. Now, I'm not a female, so I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure that must be one of the most painful places to get hit for a female, much like getting kicked in the balls makes you feel like you've been to hell and back…Anyway.

"Now hold still my dear, this will only feel like your heart has just been pierced by and intense burning flame!" She gave off a devilish grin.

"I'm known to be the fastest person in all of Gensokyo! How do you expect to keep ME still!" The confidence just oozes off of the girl…

She has a point though, she is pretty damned fast, I can't keep up with her half the time while she flies through the air, and I have 20-20 vision. It does piss me off though, they just float nonchalantly in the air, the laws of science mean nothing to them! It's like "Screw the laws of physics! I'm a magical creature from Japanese mythology!" I need to keep my cool though, this fight seems to be coming to a close, and I'm pretty sure I picked the right team at this point…

"Ohohohoho!" The little vampire gave off an amused chuckle, making Aya sweat slightly from a small lack of confidence. "SAKUYA!" So…what exactly was that supposed to d-Oh! Wow! That maid from earlier has Aya in some sort of wrestling position! I don't know the term!

"Y-YOU! YOU DIRTY CHEATER!" Aya shouted in fear. "How dare you! Reimu will get you for this!" That cultist? What exactly could she do against a vampire and a magical creature? She was just a plain human, the only thing I can do is bludgeon them to death with my crowbar…My precious….What? Oh yeah, as I was saying-er thinking, humans can't do shit to these kind of people!

"I'm sure the Youkai exterminator will help out the Youkai!" She exterminates Youkai? Actually, thinking about it, she may have mentioned that earlier. I don't understand why she would need to exterminate Youkai, they don't seem to be bad people, a bit racist, but they're not bad people.

"I believe the term is checkmate Aya!" I called up to her. I mean, there's no use whining about it, take the loss gracefully so that I can get my money!

"Aren't you meant to be on her side?" Remilia asked in bewilderment.

"Well, she did drag me here, the place does seem to be a death trap, no offence."

The girl did take offence to that judging by the way she let off a vicious growl in my direction.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE TELLING ME TO GIVE UP! AREN'T YOU MY FRIEND!" Aya cried down, generally upset.

Speaking of the whole giving up thing, Koakuma wants to tell her not to, but she doesn't want to risk her master stabbing her in the heart.

Looking back on the events past, I realize that I'm not a very good person…Meh, life goes on.

Oh right! Aya! "I'm sorry, but I'm not used to the whole fighting scene! I don't see the point! Just a waste of energy at the end of the day!"…They're all looking at me like I'm some kind of freak! I'm in the wrong am I? The one who doesn't want to fight, even if it is because they can't be bothered, is the bad guy?

"You're new here aren't you?" The residents of the mansion said simultaneously.

"….At any rate. You've been given the pleasure of my presence for too long miss Shameimaru." Devilish grin from her, sweat-drop from Aya, no emotion from the maid….Creepy.

"Divine Spear "Spear the Gungnir"!" A spear shaped bullet formed in her hand, with a devious smile on her face, she slowly moves her arm back, and with blinding speed the spear of pure energy was thrown at Aya's chest, piercing her general heart area.

"AYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!" She screamed out in pain, I could imagine what that must feel like…WAIT! There-there isn't a wound? But how? That thing was thrown at a blinding speed!

Oh look…The maid is showing an emotion: Pain.

"That hurt you bitch!" The crow girl cried out at her enemy.

"Yes, that's all well and good. Maybe you could write an article about you getting your ass kicked by the one and only Remilia Scarlet. What an honour!" Ego boost! She then flies over to Aya, much calmer than before might I add, and grabs her by the collar of her blouse. "Now!" She said with a furiously booming voice. "GET OUT!" With all her might, she threw the Tengu out the window at an intense speed.

"I-I can't stop!" I could hear her shout as she flew out of the mansion.

Wait…I-I won! "OH YEAH! SUCK ON IT BITCH! SHE WON! SO PAY UP!" I might have been a little too enthusiastic, I don't even know how far 50'000 yen will take me here.

"F-fine!" Koakuma reluctantly said, pulling out a wad of bills from her pocket, handing it to me. "I still can't believe that you bet on my mistress over your friend." She mumbled under her breath.

Whoa! Remilia is fast, she got down here pretty darn quickly all things considered. Wait…I just realized, Aya was my ride out of here!

"I forgot about you…You're that nuisances friend no?"

"It's a fine line…."

"I see…Well, she seems to care for you somewhat, so I can make her punishment twice as bad." She said casually, as if there was nothing at all wrong or twisted with her sentence.

"Sakuya! Tie him up somewhere will you!" Wait what?

"Yes ma'am!" Oh god, this has to be the worst day in my entire life!

"I hate Gensokyo…I just want you all to know that, in case I die here…."

The maid, who apparently is called Sakuya sighed "No hard feelings…Just following orders."

"Yeah…No hard feelings."

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><p><em>Longest chapter ever! So long in fact that it has taken me the entire season of Autumn to finish. I have to apologise for that, I got really lazy, and my internet has been messing up for ages. Now onto some notes for the fanfic: Yes, Greg does still have his crowbar with him, they have not taken it from him (The crowbar is not a big plot point, so I honestly don't consider this a spoiler) And no, this is not a Scarlet Devil Mansion arc, this is just being touched upon slightly.<em>


	7. Chapter 6: Captives log

_Hi there people of /com/whatever. Anyway, this chapter will be considerably shorter than the hellish long chapter prior to this one. For those of you who are wondering, the entire chapter are going to be a mental log of the events that have happened to Greg over the course of the fanfic. Some events that have yet to be seen will be in there as-well. So without further ado._

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><p><strong>Chapter 6: Captives Log<strong>

Captives Log:

Star-date: Year of the Gregary.

My name is Gregary Bevan, the events of the past two weeks are somewhat of a blur to me, but I'll try to recall them.

I suppose it all started with an unfortunate encounter in a local store in the outside world. I ran into this woman, and what a freak she was, she acted as if I was some sort of specimen in some sort of experiment, fucking freak…Then, she shows up in my bedroom a week later! Oh joy, how I missed her, I couldn't get to sleep because of her at any rate. Thing is, she just appeared in the corner of my room, the more and more I think about it, could she have been spying on me the entire week? I feel…Violated? Anyway, she just went ahead and said something along the lines of "You're my new toy! I want to see how you fare in a world filled with things that want you dead! MWAHAHA!" So then she threw me and a few personal belongings into a gap filled to the brim with eyes! Then I passed out…Like real men do.

When I came too I was roasting in my own sweat. The weather was absolutely terrible! I hate hot weather, but of course I'm the little guinea pig that insane bitch uses! It couldn't have been an American who lives in the Nevada desert, nooooooo! That's too simple! Let's make it the bloody Welshman who lives for cold weather! That is completely logical! Although, I have to admit, the scenery does remind me of Wales, a lot. There was a stream running through a Valley, the water was crystal clear, and there was a girl in all blue blissfully walking on the other side of the riverbed. Naturally I asked the girl to stop and help me out, so of course the girl runs down the riverbed at the speed of light. I finally got her to stop after dropping my games consoles; she asked if she could take a look at them, not exactly a big deal but yeah…I was wrong, she took apart my 3DS, which is by no means cheap! I suppose it's ok though, she agreed to take me to a place of safety.

After several near death experiences, and crying to myself about said near death experiences, which isn't like me at all, I don't tend to be emotional. Anyway, we got to the entrance to a village, the Tengu village or something, whatever, anyway, Nitori talked this Wolf-girl-thing into letting us into the village. The sadistic bitch, whose name was Momiji now that I recall, dragged mine and Nitori's bodies down the street at break-neck speed, speaking of which, how did I not break my neck doing that? Meh, I suppose it doesn't matter. We arrived at my new host's house, Miss Bipolar Shameimaru , the girl had burnt a steak. Poor thing, what a waste it went to. I suppose that may sound bad, but I'm a gourmet so I just hate seeing food go to waste.

After me and Aya, that being her real name, got acquainted, she took me to her guest room. I assume it was her guest room, although she may not have had any need for guest considering she had little to no friends…Those are her words not mine, so don't call me a dick, although I am one if I'm honest. Anyway, she made me cook her food as a way of paying her back for letting me stay with her, the bitch went all primal on me and started eating the bacon sandwiches I made for us off the floor, something I refrained from talking about originally because it creped me the hell out that the girl was so terrible at cooking that she was willing to eat of the floor, she almost ate my hand off in the process thinking about it…Jesus I'm glad to be away from her for a while.

No…She's not that bad, a little emotionally unstable but she can be entertaining to talk to when she's being a douche bag like myself. Anyway, she allowed me to arm myself…With a crowbar mofos! Oh yeah! And then we were off into the wondrous death-trap once again, but with a twist, I was flying with Shameimaru airlines: "We will get you there with only a few broken limbs and a wet pair of boxers!" No, I did not wet myself if you are wondering, I just have a thing about…Well…The laws of Physics I suppose. The entire place seems to like making Science it's bitch, if the entire scientific community was show this I'm pretty sure half of them would commit suicide…On a more cheery note, I actually got on well with people for a while. I met a cultist named Reimu, who appears to have some anger problems, though it doesn't seem to be that bad. I also met a fellow fellow! By that I mean another male, although I couldn't stay around and have a chat with a biscuit and a cup of tea…Good tac, good tac…Er, anyway, we just got provisions for Aya's job, while she was on the job, and she had the cheek to call the man lazy!

Ok, now I need all you kiddos to listen up as this is where the tale really gets it's ass into high gear with ways to give me a kick in the ass for, well, to put it bluntly, for being me. You see, we went off to get a report from the world's most jolly of places: The Scarlet Devil Mansion. Ah, the name just screams "Welcome one, welcome all" Doesn't it? Well, when we arrived at the place, I thought it was just a tad too easy to enter the place, and hell was I right! After sitting there spying on a half-dead person called Patchouli Knowlage, who I have gotten to know quite well, but more on that later. So, as I was saying, we were sitting there snooping as usual, then out of nowhere this little brat smacks down the doors to the library, which is the room we were in, and challenges my friend, and I suppose we were friends at this point in time, to a battle.

So I'll just give you a rundown of why this little girl, called Remilia, hates Aya's guts. So, it seems, some time ago, that Aya had written a news story about how Remilia went around kidnapping innocent humans, and rather than feeding on them…Well how do I put this delicately…You know what a sex slave is right? Yeah….She does re-assure me that she did not have control over her actions at the time though. You see, after being defeated by Reimu and some other girl called Marisa during some "Scarlet Mist" incident, she went mad, first thing she did was to open up the basement, where her insanely powerful and emotionally unstable little sister lives..Er..Dies? I don't know, the undead confuse the hell out of me. Then, she went out and started kidnapping humans and doing said nasty with them all on a regular basis, thankfully, Patchouli caught wind of this and made some sort of sanity potion…Yeah, I'm just going to say it was happy pills, screw what she says. Aya already got her story though and well, yeah, she is public enemy no.1.

So, after a rather brutal fight involving bullet shaped leaves and bloody, rusty, knives, and a rather amazing bet made by me, Aya was chucked out of the mansion by the collar of her blouse. This, of course, left me at the mercy of a rather pissed of vampire…Oh how I wish I was Simon Belmont, I'd grab my whip of flaming justice and kill that bitch…

Actually, know what, maybe I wouldn't. It's rather hard to tell, for what it is worth, she gives me a comfy bed, food, and a safe place to live in. At the same time she feeds from me regularly, which isn't as bad as I thought it would be, I still can't help but cower in the corner of the room when she comes into the room asking for a "Meal" It may not drain me like she says it should, but hell, I don't want to be a 12 year olds bitch, I doubt anyone does. Another thing that pisses me off is that I'm some sort of butler! Oh joy, stereotyping! My accent fits the bill of every butler you've ever seen on American TV "Would you like a cup of tea master, and perhaps master would like to spoon with one of those lovely prostitutes he likes so much?" GAH! She seems to then take pictures of me working for her, and then mail them off to Aya, almost as if taunting her, I seemed to be the only one who got past the whole reporter thing to see that she is someone who is actually an all round ok person.

I have been thinking a great deal about these events. I can't seem to stop wondering how, or why, I was chosen to be put into this place, I was given no explanation of the location, what I was going to be up against, I was just sort of, thrown into a paradise for most, but yet, hell for the few humans that have managed to survive in such a place. A world which, if my assumptions are right, will end up just like mine, the Yokai shall flee from this place once the humans have got the technology to fight back, all because they are too stubborn to put their differences aside and coincide with one another. It sure is a shame…

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><p><em>I decided to leave this chapter off on a rather depressing note, most of the chapters have ended off with a sort of, bitter-sweet thing, where Greg is getting used to the hell he has been put into. I also hope this shows off his true colours a little more, he's rather logical in the way he thinks. He puts himself before others, yes, but this quality has allowed him to see both his faults, but also the faults of others. This is sort of an outside looking in revelation. I do also hope I managed to stick to the humour element. I think it can be hard to really balance out such a thing, the more dramatic down to earth things with the sense of humour I have given this fanfic. I suppose that it may sound like I know what I'm doing, but honestly, I just go with the flow.<em>

_Now then, I really should stop being so serious with this, I find myself hating my own guts! So yes, lets end this on a happy note rather than a sad one! Just remember to always look on the bright side of life! See y'all later._


	8. Chapter 7: Freedom isn't free

_From the same great minds who brought you: __**Greg: The god Complex**__ and __**Greg 2: I'm above the law**__, comes another epic chapter in the tale of__**: Ajusting to Gensokyo**__ (patent pending) Um…Yeah, welcome to chapter 7 of this tale, which, by my own is going to admission take much longer than I anticipated (I am starting to think 30 odd chapters, which is a fair amount, considering this is my first fanfiction, I have barely covered the first third of this thing.) Shall we get on with the show?_

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><p><strong>Chapter 7: Freedom isn't free<strong>

"You're requesting an audience with Lady Remilia?" Sakuya inquired as she entered my living quarters.

"Don't you think using the word 'Audience' is a bit much, she's not royalty, she's barely more than a spoilt brat." Why Greg? Why say such things to the girls faithful servant! She adores Remilia so much that I think I spy a knife in her hands… "Did I use the words 'spoilt' and 'brat'? Oh god no, I meant, great queen of all things living or otherwise who should be treated with nothing but respect. So much respect in fact that she should be offered a choice in blood: Fat people, Vegetarians, the rich, the poor and the outright dirty." I think I saved my ass?

"I think you may be over exaggerating? Our Lady is too humble to force people into offering her their blood." Oh I'm sure she is, I bet she has the best restraint in the word, my neck wounds prove such a point.

"Yes, yes. Anyway, I really would like it if I could speak to her in a one-on-one, captive to warden kind of thing."

"That seems reasonable; you pose no real threat to milady, so I shouldn't have to worry about you killing her." She said in a rather blunt tone. Let's just pretend that I don't have a stake in my pocket in which I shall stab the bitch in the heart…And by pretend I mean I don't have one, Sakuya can stop time, so trying that on would end with an arrow to the knee. Where is that even from anyway? Eh, I'm just rambling at this point anyway.

"THEN LET IT BE SO! HUZZA!" She's looking at me like I'm the freak…I'm not the one who seems to love a 12 year old vampire who isn't even in my family line….

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><p>So I was allowed to see Remilia in the dining hall, right now I just so happen to be enjoying some fresh vixen…That I will miss, the variety of food in this place is amazing. Actually, I haven't explained why I would want to talk to her one-on-one. You see, I am sick and tired of the working man's life style, I really need to get back to Aya so that I can leech-er, rely? Yes, rely. Rely on her generosity to let me live with her for pretty much nothing.<p>

The little Vampire was drinking a cup full of tea at the time "I don't suppose you have any scones to go with that cup of tea?" I said as I looked up from my plate.

Remilia just looked confused at the remark. "Not familiar with stereotypes? That's ok I suppose." If I was being really stereotypical I would've said something like 'Oer! I don't surpose you 'ave any sheep fer shaggin' in the back thar do ye?' Ah stereotypes. How I love thee.

"I'm afraid the last time I was in the human realm was when Dracula was still around, so I'm afraid not."

"Pfft!" She looked at me with shock "You expect me to believe that Dracula is real! Next you'll be telling me that there are moon creatures!" I-it's just too rich!

"Actually~" She sung in a smug tone.

"OH COME ON!" Creatures from the moon, this place surely does have it all. "So, to get this straight, Dracula was real and there are people from the moon?" She simply nodded her head, her face exposing a serious expression to reassure me that this was no joke.

"Anyway, you did have a reason to see me, it wasn't just to stuff your face I presume."

"Well, that is half of the reason, you do have a great selection of foods, but, yes, I did wish to talk to you about my current situation…"

She looked at me with some disappointment in her eyes. "Ah, I see, you wish to leave this place do you?" She started, a devilish smile then went across her face "It is a shame, your blood is mighty tasty! OHOHOHO!"I see….Is this what I get for being a gourmet? Probably, I just have to love eating all different types of food, why couldn't I be fussy?

"Yes, I'm sure I'm very tasty you sick little bitch…" I said in a rather evil tone of voice, making the girl flustered and embarrassed.

"O-Oh! Shut up! It's like you're asking for your freedom by stabbing me in the back!"

"You know I'm sure your maid would happily do that, you keep on saying 'Stabbing me in the back' and one day she's going to mishear you and your back shall be filled with knives. Just a pointer from me there." She seemed rather impressed by the logic, I suppose she appreciates the advice even though I was leaning towards her saying it rather than not…Oh well.

"Yes, well, your freedom won't be bought so easily, I have received so many letters back from Aya threatening to hurt me if I don't release you…It's…Rather satisfactory." She said grinning with glee. She then took a piece of paper from a pocket on her dress and said "If I may take a choice reading? Ahem!"

"Dear-er-no! Not dear! To the red eyed bitch of the west!

It has come to my attention that you have taken a liking to sending me pictures of my friend working for you in his little "Butler" outfit, all I can say is STOP! You are insufferable! What is your problem! FOR FUCKS SAKE! WHAT. DID. I. DO!" She then looked up at me with a grin, I simply gave her an understanding nod. Still, is this how Aya writes? Journalism never ceases to amaze me.

"If I may ask a quick question? It appears she doesn't remember what she did. So, why not, oh, I don't know! Forgive her!"

"The fact that she forgot makes this ten times worse, I hope you understand."

I…Uh…No. I can't say that I do. Sure, I may have my faults, but, I always was a very forgiving person, due to my lazy nature I always found it much more easy to just forgive a person for what they did, half the time it's just trivial stuff anyway. I remember one time when I was young me and a friend argued over what was the best Pokemon…. "Wooper is better" That would be my, the greatest of, opinions "No! Mewtwo is the greatest!" God what a bunch of idiots we were, everyone knows that Dunsparce is where it's at.

"No, not really…."

"It's because she managed to forget such an offensive thing…" Oho!

"So. Forgive and forget, that's what I say!" Oh no! That doesn't sit well with…Anyone in this place.

"FORGIVE? FORGET? What are those? A new type of blood I hope." How do you scare me? Let me count the ways.

"At any rate, let me get the fuck out of this place."

"Fine, I think I have an idea." She said with an oddly devious grin

"Oh?"

"I want you to keep my little sister company for 10 minutes. Then, you may leave." So I have to babysit a vampire? Sounds like a swell time!

"Fine, fine."

"SAKUYA!" The girl was there in the blink of an eye, you know, I wish I could manipulate time like that. Then, I could go kick Robert Pattinson the balls! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Yes lady Remilia?" She said, attentively and almost as if her life hung on every word the little girl said…Such a sad, sad existence.

"Take him to Flandre." Ok, something's up…She seems almost…Pleased.

"M-milady?"

"You heard me, take him to…HER" Oh god, she's getting more and more twisted by the second

"Yes lady Remilia." She sounds fearful…Not for herself, but for me…I feel like I may have just been ripped off, you know, for my life.

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><p>I was led down to a rather low level of the mansion; Sakuya looked at me as if I almost didn't deserve such a cruel punishment such as this. I wish life wasn't this tough, all I want to do is live a lazy, work free life, yet I'm stuck here, kind of ironic. We arrived at a large door that appeared to have blast marks on it.<p>

"Here we are Gregary Sir." She said this with a sigh…

"You can just call me Greg, no need for bloody formalities."

"Please don't make this harder than it needs to be…" She then disappeared for a second, she then came back holding my crowbar.

She handed it to me "You might just want to use this while you're in there."

OK! This is not keeping this girl company; it's more like I'm tasty human flesh for this little girl to devour or something!

Sakuya opened up the door slowly, making no noise at all, and gestured for me to enter the darkness that it led into. Seeing as I didn't have much choice in the matter I just swallowed my pride and went ahead with it.

The door closed with an eerie air. So this is what it feels like to be so close to death you can taste it…Tastes sort of like a lemon, I always did love lemons…And to think if Portal 2 had actually made combustible lemons I might have had an upper hand against this girl, but no, just a man and his crowbar, preparing for death…I just want to say that if I do die, my game collection should be buried with me…It's not going to be given to one of my cousins! Oh hell no! To many good things have been given away to people over the years for me to just sit idly by! "You haven't used this in a day Greg so I'm giving it away. Any objections? Didn't think so." BAH!

Oh boy! I can hear the chiming of what sounds like two pieces of metal being struck together…You know, that probably could have been described easier as a bell, but hey, I'm too hardcore to say that.

"What do we have hear then?" A childish, yet slightly disturbing voice called out in through the darkness.

Ah heck! If I'm going to die I'm going to die feeding my god damn ego! "I am your messiah, actually no, I'm your god!" Yep…

"Oo! If you're my god then can I confess something to you!" She seems a bit more relaxed now…

"Sure kid, shoot. Just call me camp counsellor God" To justify me calling myself God, my name does start with a G, so, I could very well be some sort of god…

"I think that when I break people…I may be doing something worse to them…No one can ever seem to fix them." I see…

"Yeah, kid, I think it's about time you realized that you can't 'break' a person. You can kill a person, but, breaking is suggesting you can fix them, and, well…From the stench of this room…I'm doubting very much that you just break their bones." You may be thinking…"WHY NOT PANIC! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE YOU IDIOT!" Well, let's think about this, what are the odds that I'll be able to successfully avoid this girl's attacks in the darkness, even with 20-20 vision. Also, the room smells like rotting flesh…Joyous!

"So…They can't be fixed?" She sounds, well, Guilty?

"Well, I suppose you could bring them back as some sort of veggie human? They wouldn't be able to think mind you, it would kind of be like…Being trapped inside your body, which is just a useless piece of meat at that instance…" The kid doesn't seem to be familiar with death…Well, she is a vampire, so conventional death methods won't work, a steak to the heart or maybe some garlic might…But there never really was any confirmation on whether or not that stuff worked from Remilia. "Oh, hey!"

"Yes?" The little girl cried out.

I've been meaning to ask her this question from the start. "How exactly do you kill people, you sound like a little girl to me, also, why aren't there any lights on down here?"

"Oh! Well that part's really fun! I clench my fist together and then I say Kyuu!" I can hear cheer in the girls voice, all that guilt melted away. "Kind of like this…." Ok and I'm waiting and I'm wa- "KYUU!" HOLY JESUS CHRIST THAT I TECHNICALLY DON'T BELIEVE IN AND BY SAYING SUCH A THING I AM BEING OFFENSIVE TO THE IMAGINARY CHRISTIANS LISTENNING IN ON MY THOUGHTS EVERYWHERE! She never answered the second part of my question either...

"What the hell! You created a gigantic explosion with your bare hands!"

"Yeah…Sis says that it's because I'm a very strong vampire, but because of that, I have to be locked up in here, just in case I accidentally kill someone so that I have a horde of villagers trying to hunt me down…" I find this girl extremely depressing…There must be some way to make her happy.

"So…You don't suppose you could light a candle or something do you?" What? Light always made me feel happy.

"Sure!" I could hear the chiming given off by her as she must have ran off to get a candle.

"Kyuu!" A much more controlled explosion happened and the room was lit by a small candle. The girl was about 8 to 10 years of age and apparently had metal wings with little jewels on them…Man I could make a killing selling those on eBay…A-anyway, the girl was wearing a blood-red dress had two small fangs, was pale white, had blond hair and was overall very similar to her sister in looks…Personality…not so much.

"Hey! You're not a god! You're just a human!"

"Yes, well, if I had told you that would you have given me the time of day or would I have just gone 'Kyuu'?" She began to sweat a little.

Then it became a devilish smile…I love this place with a burning hatred…Meaning I hate it. "If you're just a human, you may still go 'Kyuu'!"

"Why? You seemed guilty to find out all those people you killed couldn't be fixed…"

"Yes, but it really is fun doing so!" Gensokyo: The waters are clean, the air is fresh and most importantly, everyone is an insane homicidal killer out to get you! Book your holiday today as there are limited bookings!

"I have a fun game we could play instead!"

"Ooo? What game!"

"It's called the game of restraint. We see how long we can resist ripping each other to shreds!" The game of restraint is in all good retailers now!

"Sounds boring…" Oh shit! It's time for my ace in the hole!

"I don't suppose you have Uno or something…?"

* * *

><p><strong>Meanwhile<strong>

**(A/N: So, since Greg isn't there, he can't narrate what's going on…So this is just dialogue…I apologize profusely for such a thing.)**

"Mwahahahaha! Take that you little bitch of a fairy!"

"Calm down will you Aya-chan, I'm sure that your little buddy is fine, he's just doing house chores for her, what's the worst that can happen?"

"Yes Reimu-chan…But he's doing house chores for a bitch of a girl…"

"I have to agree with Aya on this Reimu, she is kind of a bitch…I don't hate her for it, but she still is one."

"Yes Yukari, well who asked for your opinion?"

"I did! Anyway, we're at the front of the mansion, that gate guard was as easy to get by as ever, so ladies…Let's raise some hell shall we?"

* * *

><p>"Got any fours?"<p>

"Oh for fucks sake Flandre! I swear to god you're cheating!" Let me explain. Me and Flandre, that would be this little girl here, talked it out like real men and a little psycho vampire do and decided it would be best if she didn't kill me. Apparently she had taken a liking to me, plus, she wasn't too keen on killing now that she knew the people couldn't be fixed. Also, I'm pretty sure this has been longer than 10 minutes of quality time with her, although, I don't mind, she's not all that bad a girl once you get past the homicidal bit.

"Noooo!~ What would give you such an idea?" She sang out innocently

"Maybe it's the fact that you continue to get the right cards?"

"Hehehe. Never play card games with a Vampire~" She sang out happily

"How about a card game that is rather hard to cheat in?" I asked hopefully.

"Sure! But what card game is like that?"

"Snap?" Ah, I always loved snap, the countless hours I would spend playing snap with my "Thomas and friends." Card set was unbelievable….Don't judge me, Thomas the tank engine was an amazing show!

"Snap? Seems pretty easy to cheat in…" Oh fuck you!

"How about you don't cheat so that you can win fair and square?"

She sat there pondering this for a while, but before she could answer, and explosion was heard and the doors to Flandre's room flew open, which was actually just a shitty basement…Poor girl, I got a better sleeping arrangement than she did!

"I told you three already! There is no way he is alive! I heard an explosion coming from there seven minutes after he went in! There was no fighting back or any sounds after that…I-I'm sorry…" Sakuya shouted from the doorway she had apparently just been knocked into.

"Well then you bitch! You can die as well!" A familiar psychotic voice called out…It was Aya…A little late to the party, but she did come for me, so I guess I should be greatful

"Yes, an eye for an eye and all that." Another familiar voice said in a much calmer tone…Could it be…

"OI! YUKARI!" I called out…

"Yes? That would be me, who is this speaking and may I take your order?" You know…For a girl who came from Gensokyo, she sure does know a lot of outside world stuff…She also has the heart of a troll, but I suppose that's to be expected.

"You don't remember me!" I called out to her.

"Uh..Greg?" Oh wow! I almost forgot about you Flandre!

"Yes?"

"What's going on?"

"I believe this is a rescue mission, you know, because your sister kept me here as a captive house slave…"

The little girl giggled. "Oh yeah! I bet you looked amazing in that little butler suit you told me about!" She was trying to hold back the laughter from the thoughts of me going "More tea madam?" In my accent.

"Um, hello! It's me Yukari! I've been trying to talk to you for about 30 seconds now! Have the courtesy to answer back!"

"Sorry, I'll have to talk to her over you for now." Flandre gave me a knowing nod "Sorry! I got sidetracked! I used to be called king of procrastination you know!"

"Mwahahaha!" I heard Aya scream over the merciless sound of bullets being fired.

"Be quiet please Aya! I'm trying to have a conversation!" She said rather irritated "So, anyway, who are you?"

"I'm not a fan of beating round the bush so I'll get straight to it. It's me! Greg! You know, the one you presumable came here to save!" I could hear about four gasps. That leaves one gasp more person out there than I originally thought.

"Greg?" I heard Aya's voice say in a relieved tone.

"Si?"

"Well I'll be a son of a bitch, you survived an onslaught by Flandre! You are stronger than you look you know!" I heard another voice shout…Sounds like cultist…Reimu it is then!

"Ok, this is getting tedious, so we're just going to come to you!" Me and Flandre got up and walked towards the exit.

"Wait we…?" All of them said simultaneously

They then all gasped as we reached the exit and left the confines of that terrible place.

"Yes we. The way I survived was by convincing Flandre not to kill me using…Wait for it…WORDS!" They all deadpanned, spare for Yukari, who appeared to have know this. It appeared the rest assumed I kicked her ass?

"And here I thought that you beat her using brute strength…That's disappointing."

Flandre looked at me with a devilish smile. "The table's still wide open! You can try beating me using brute strength if you want Reimu…That means…NO DANMAKU…." Evil…But I can't help laughing.

"N-no thanks, I never was one for hand-to-hand combat!" She said backing off and petting one of these weird orbs with a Ying-yang sign on them that was floating next to her.

I then noticed that Aya had attached herself to me by the waste…Personal space violation count:9001

"I'm glad to see that you're ok too Aya, but could you get off of me? After all, haven't we had this conversation about, oh, I don't know…TEN MILLION TIMES!" Girl just doesn't understand my issues…

She let go of me and gave me the traditional douche-bag smile, which means her next sentence will be mean! YAY! "I still stand by the fact that you're gay…" Oh, we're going back to that one are we, well then I may just have to bring out everything in my arsenal to make you squirm! "You know I'm kidding! Oh! I almost forgot to say sorry to you Sakuya!"

The maid had several rips in her outfit and had just recovered from what appeared to be the fastest person in all of Gensokyo's psychotic breakdown attack.

"Oh, it's fine, if someone had done the same to Remilia-san, I would have done the same thing." Nice to know…Still, I have no fucking idea what those honorific's actually mean.

"That's very sweet of you Sakuya…" I heard Remilia's voice say from the top of the stairs. "Now, prove your loyalty by stopping my servant from escaping" Bitch…

"B-but milady! He survived in there for 10 minutes with Flandre! You're not one to break your word!" She said, trying to help me?...Nice turn of events.

"I would have too, but then team Reporter had to come along and break in, and as such, he'll have to serve me for a little while longer…" OH COME ON! The rescue mission turns out to be my downfall.

"Are you sure Lady Remilia?" Sakuya says reluctantly.

"I'm afraid so."

"Ok then…" She pulls out some knives and prepares to fight.

"Also, don't worry about the 3-1 thing, I'll be helping out too, Patchouli will be here soon, her little devil underling refused though…" Ah Koakuma, what laughs we shared messing with Patchouli….

"Well if it's a fight you want Remilia…" Aya said as she pulled out her fan "It's a fight you'll get."

Yukari began to chuckle lightly as she pulled out and umbrella from one of her little portals. Reimu just put began to float and as for Flandre…Wait, where is she?

"I want to help you out too!" She called, flying from above my head. "Greg is the only person I ever met that I didn't 'A' Kill and 'B' was completely honest with me." Sweet! I may have just formed the world's most kick-ass team of people ever…And they're fighting for my safety! Fun!

"Flandre…" Remilia said depressed "If that is who you want to fight for…So be it." This is just too damned amazing! I wish I had a camera!

"Run Greg!" I heard Yukari say. "You need to get out of here while we hold them off!" Wow, she is caring for my well being? I feel touched. "But before you go…" She pulled out something from one of her gaps. It just so happened to be my 3DS that I had brought along with me. Nintendo still dominates the handheld console world by the way. "I got Nitori to fix this for you, she seemed disappointed that you didn't come along yourself, so go see her once you're out of this place." She then chucked it towards me, I managed to grab it with my mediocre athletic abilities and gave her a salute as thanks. I then did what anyone would do in this situation and ran like a little pussy as an epic battle happened right behind me, apparently during this part Aya had Sakuya in a sleeper hold and was preventing her from stopping me from leaving using that stopwatch of hers.

* * *

><p>So, my life is pretty interesting huh? I bet you don't have an elite squadron of a magical world's finest protecting you from capture, hmm? Yeah, be jealous, I know I would be…And then I'd be happy because I don't need such a service, but still.<p>

So I just ran out the door, pretty slowly mind you, I'm not all that fast of a runner so it'll take me a while to get out of here, luckily I have high stamina so I shouldn't have to hold stop. Oh looky here, the gate guard's awake…Wait…FUCK!

"Hey! Aren't you that servant that Sakuya was telling me about! You need to get back here right now you little!" She said, kicking off from the ground and giving chase. Thing is, all I need to do is reach the lakes surface, then I'll just dive in and do some underwater swimming for a little while before surfacing to safety…That's the improvised plan anyway…My isn't 3DS waterproof. OH COME ON THE THING JUST GOT FIXED!

"Get back here! Will ya! I want to get back to sleeping after this!" So if I were to put this into a percentage, the amount of time she spends sleeping would be about 99.99% of the time, and I just so happen to catch her awake…Genius!

Aha! The lake's shore! She won't be able to stop me now! All I have to do is jump! Yes! I'm in the air! I'm sa-

**Splash!**

"Aw, I think I may have just sent him to his death…Remilia will not be pleased…You know, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have whacked him over the head into the water…"

Huh…The lake water is much colder than I expected…Oh god…losing consciousness is never fun.

* * *

><p>"I sure do love sake out by the lake at night…"<p>

"Hic, who the hell is this?"

* * *

><p><em>Yep, that ends yet another chapter…I feel like I'm screwing Greg over at every hurdle, at least he has no direct enemies in this place yet though, just friends…So I guess that balances it out. Anyway, yes, the next chapter does take place at night with a new character! Huzzah! If you really can't tell who it is then you're pretty damned blind, or maybe I wasn't as clear as I thought I was when I did that little end bit…Either way, merry ChristmasHanukkah/Cuanza/*Insert Cult holiday here* _


	9. Chapter 8: Drinking Games

_What is going on people of the internet? This is yet another instalment of this fan-fiction, though you'd have to be pretty dumb not to see that…Anyway, I had a pretty damned good holiday. I got myself a shiny new laptop, complete with windows 7! (I was running on Vista, like a boss) Anyway, along with that I got some pretty good Second hand games that may just influence references made by Greg throughout the story, be on the lookout for: Conkers Bad Fur Day (N64) Fallout 3 (PS3) Skyward Sword (Wii) Dragon Age II (PS3) Fire Emblem (GBA) There were a few movies that I may also reference but that's a different story, suffice to say, references shall be made. I've rambled on for long enough, so enjoy the chapter._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8: Drinking Games.<strong>

"Hic." Urg….What the hell happened? Oh yeah…I almost drowned…Wait, that means someone saved me, or I'm boss enough to not need any oxygen for a good few hours…It could happen…

Wait, where the hell am I exactly?...

"HI THERE!" WHOA! Where the hell did that cheerful voice come from?

A little girl…Who reeks of alcohol, you know, this world is so messed up it is unbelievable. Actually, scratch that, I bet kids from the inner city are "Gangster" enough to get themselves hammered when they were twelve. Bloody London…Er…I probably shouldn't show that sort of prejudice, I hate being a hypocrite. Anyway, this girl is at least more interesting than your average pissed pre-teen, which I'll admit is hard, I mean, I love seeing a pissed 10 year old try to fly from the roof of their bungalow as much as the next guy…That was more sadistic than I thought. At any rate, this girl had long, shiny, ginger hair. She was wearing a metal chain around her hair to make a pony-tail near the bottom…Odd. She had brown eyes, which is a unique thing for this place, which is ironic but whatever. She was wearing a white…Something, who the hell do you think I am? Some sort of 'Fab-U-Lous~' fashion expert like Gok Wan? I feel sick thinking about it…She was wearing a purple dress…Man, when will I see someone in some trousers? And to finish of her little bio, she had two horns sticking out of her head decorated with…MORE RIBBONS! Yay!

"Um…Hello? You've just been sitting there. Are you ok?" She asked with curiosity in her voice, you know, rather than some sort of concern, it sure wouldn't matter if I just had a stroke…

"Yes, hello there." I turned my head to look directly at the girl, her face is bright red…Yep, she's drunk.

"Hic. It's good that you're awake, if a Youkai is caught with the body of a dead person isn't exactly given a fair trial…" Pleasant, but I see where she's coming from, I wouldn't want to be suspected of a murder, full stop.

Ok, so I've gotten a good look at the surroundings now that I've been given the time of day, and, it appears that I'm in a clearing near a house that is hard to make out in the darkness. Thankfully the girl had somehow managed to keep a hold of her mind long enough to make a camp fire, suffice to say, I've dried off quite a bit.

"Well, I suppose I should thank you for saving my life."

"No problem good buddy! Just try not to go for a late night swim in misty lake will ya?" She said, swaying back and forth as if to the sound of music.

"Oh yes, of course, I definitely went for a quick swim in those freezing cold waters because I thought it was a good idea!..." Thou shalt not talk down upon thy elder…Ok, sometimes I don't get myself, I feel as though I'm a certain frog-like character from a very good classic game…Heh.

"Sarcasm eh? Well I'll give you a great example of sarcasm! I love alcohol!...Wait…Um…" Great example right there my dear, perhaps I could put it into 'Gensokyo's big book of laughs for human prey.' "My name is Suika…W-wait…Grr, stupid Oni blood." Well, It appears I have gotten her name, presumably

"Very great attempts at sarcasm there Suika…" And let the trolling begin…

"H-hey! It's not my fault that I can't lie! It's my parents!"

"Yes, definitely. Your parents are always the ones to blame…Wait? You CAN'T lie?"

"Yeaaaah. We Oni are unable to lie. EVER. It gets annoying." It would explain why she can't be sarcastic. Although, I do find it rather ironic how she understands and can pick up on sarcasm so easily, and yet, she can't do it herself.

"So it would be safe to say telling you secrets is a bad idea?" I'll be honest, I have nothing to hide, but, if I ever did….

"Probably not. No." She said in an honest and cheerful tone.

"Ok then…" I have ran out of things to say, I feel so proud of myself.

The girl to a quick swig from this gourd that she had with her before thrusting it towards me across the fire. "Here, have something to drink, I always feel better when I'm drunk."

Um…Alcohol? I know I'm going to sound weird saying this but I don't like alcohol. The reason behind this is kind of odd, you see, the taste of alcohol was something I was never into. Sure, there were some pretty good tasting ones like Bailies Irish Cream, but, nothing too special. The other reason behind this is, I swear to god, I can't get drunk. I have tried, and I mean TRIED, on several occasions to get drunk, but it never works, I wake up the next morning feeling fine, I remember everything, and I don't get effected by it during the night before. Almost as if I can't get intoxicated.

I push the gourd back towards her as and she looks both shocked and offended "Look, it's not that I'm trying to be rude, but, I just don't see the point to drinking…Why anyone would like it when something removes your ability to control yourself is beyond me…"

"Come on guy! Everyone likes a bit of Sake when the day's through!" She then pushed the gourd towards me again.

I push it back towards her "Look, I appreciate the thought, but, I don't care for drinking." The girl looks as though her heart has just been split in two.

"B-but….Everyone loves to drink!" She then thrusts it towards me over the fire once again.

"How 'bout no?"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"PLEASE! I KNOW YOU'LL LIKE IT!" She said with a glint in her eyes, almost as if she was begging me to like the taste of alcohol.  
>"Hmm…." She look with hope…Mwahahahahaha! "Nope."<p>

"You shall take it and you shall like it!" In her rage she dropped the gourd onto the fire, causing the girl to gasp with fear, she went to reach for it but the contents of the gourd fell out fuelling the fire to grow into something that even she wasn't willing to put her hand in for…Wait…Why is she looking at me like that…

"YOU!" She said with a look of both rage and sadness on her face. "You did this to my precious gourd!"

"Technically, you were the one to drop it…" Damn it Greg, now is not the time to be a smart ass!

"You have just unleashed the wrath of an Oni onto you! You-you-you murderer!"

"It's just a gourd…I'm sure I can buy you another one…"

"Will THAT gourd have an endless supply of sake!" Wow…endless. Kudos goes towards whoever designed that thing, thinking about it, the technique used to give an endless supply of alcohol could be done with a crate of food, thus ending world hunger. You are a genius Greg.

Oh shit…She's standing right in front of me now…"Umm…Yes?"

"LIES!" Oh come on! "There is no other gourd in all of Gensokyo like mine!" Now that is a bad production process. I can just imagine how much money you could get from a beauty such as that…

"You don't seem afraid!"

"Well, it's kind of hard to be afraid of a little girl."

"Let me show you something…" Ok, so she's walking over to this gigantic boulder a couple of metres away from this oddly controlled, fire…

"What the…." She just lifted an entire boulder…Like it was nothing! Ok…I'll admit, if I had known that she could lift boulders, I would have taken a drink from that thing.

Wait…What is she doing with it…Oh come on! Don't throw it at me...That's just unfair!

"Let's play a game of Dodge boulder!"

"How about Dodge soft fluffy kittens that can't harm me?"

"Now…Where's the fun in that?..." I'm starting to think that this place is working against me…I mean, how exactly is it that I end up being saved by Juggernaut in pocket size and then end up offending her?

"Now…Dodge!" Reflex action activate! Ow…My arm.

"Damn that hurt!"

"Yeah, yeah…But how exactly are you not screaming in pain from a Boulder getting whacked onto your arm?"

"Why, it's because I'm a real man, and real men don't-AH!" Bitch! How dare she throw a boulder at me mid-sentence!

"Nice dodge…We'll have to fix that…" Sounds like a plan….wait.

* * *

><p>Ok…So she's decided it would be a good idea to grow to be about 3x my size? Sounds about right. It appears she used some sort of card used in a children's card game, but, I don't really see how that can make you have a sudden growth spurt. You know, on second thoughts, I think Aya and Remilia used cards during their battle as-well...So…Would that mean in theory…That if I had some sort of Pokémon card, it would create a Pokémon out of thin air? Actually, that is one of the most idiotic things I have ever said, so scratch that.<p>

…And now she is standing in front of me…Perhaps the next best course of action would be to jump onto her, grab a sword and jam it into the weak spot that is almost always the cranium…Never mind, her foot is about to crush me…Ummm…Duck and roll?

"GRRR! Stop dodging my attacks!"

"Why yes of course I will! Would you like me to be standing up or sitting when I die?" Idiot…

"I-I think I'd like to see you standing…" Somehow she has lost the ability to read sarcasm…This is probably the time I could trick her into…Oh god, she's gone…HOW DO I LOSE A 18 FOOT GIRL!

"Boo!" Oh god…She's right behind me isn't she…Yep…Wait, she shrunk? So the effects of those things only last for a limited time? Seems like a bit of a waste…But hey! I have a better chance of-Oh god please let me down!

"Now then…I think I'll send you flying into…That house over their…That way…If you do survive…SHE'LL deal with you…" She said with a demonic tone.

"Look, I understand that you're pissed off at me for that whole gourd thing…But, how does killing me solve anything?"

"Hic…I don't know, nor do I care, don't try to talk your way out of this one…That gourd…Was my life." I almost feel sorry for her, but then I realize that she is about to throw me into the wall of a building, and I feel like killing her…If only I had me crowbar…Wait, is that my crowbar attached to her back via some sort of sheath? I feel betrayed.

"Now, say hi to the Shinigami for me will ya'?" The what now?

* * *

><p>There is no time for thinking about that now though…Considering I'm flying straight towards someone's house. In these last few seconds of life before I kick the bucket, I'd like to make a formal apology to the following people: Aya, mainly for being a gigantic dick, despite the fact of your hospitality. Patchouli, for mine and Koakuma's deed of tricking Sakuya to speed up time in the mansion's library so all of the books would accumulate dust. Nitori…For…Actually she broke my games console so scratch that. Probably the most important of the lot though would be my parents, I never did help out around the house, I would just sit upstairs, watch Tv, play on games and browse the internet, so I suppose I'm sorry for being me most of all. Finally, since I am only about a few inches away from the wall, that I do in fact think that my friends are the biggest group of twats you shall ever meet in your life-time, I do not regret for one second the times I have avoided hanging out with them, or the times I have insulted them. That is all, vale.<p>

**CRASH**

I'm alive…Well I'll be! I love you Japanese style screen doors! Sure my face is grinding across the floor! But, I'm still alive, suck on that Suika!

* * *

><p>Five seconds have passed and oddly enough, nothing has happened. Suika hasn't come to check to see whether or not I'm like a fly on a windscreen, the houses residency hasn't shown up yet, maybe I could camp out under the table and wait till they left, then squatted here for the rest of my life.<p>

"What the hell…" Never mind. "Greg? What are you doing here, you were assumed dead." Oh wait, it's Reimu! The hunter of Youkai! I'm sure she'll stop a drunken rampage for me.

I sat up off of the cold floor, to have a look at my surroundings, I'll be honest, the room had very little, a table in the centre of the room, which I barely missed hitting due to friction, and a chair in the corner of the room, the walls being made of a strong wood, maybe Oak?

"Um, hello?"

"Yes, yes. I'm sorry, but did I hear you say I was assumed to be dead?" I said, turning my full attention towards her.

"Yes, you were hit on the head by a Youkai directly into Misty Lake, which is notoriously cold this time of year."

I got up off of the floor and stretched, which made several bones crack back into place. "Yes, well, I somehow survived that and was found by someone who goes by the name of-"

"Suika!" Reimu said angrily

"Yes, how exactly did you know that?" I turned around to find Suika standing in the hole that I had previously made through the screen door.

"H-hi Reimu!" She said, trying to be cheerful, although it came across more as fear.

"WHY IS THERE A HOLE IN MY SCREEN DOOR!" The anger is so intense that I can warm myself with it.

"If I may interject." I said with a devilish smile aimed towards Suika, who was now looking particularly terrified. "I believe she made that by throwing me into it."

"WHY!" Reimu screamed looking at both of us.

"Hic, well you see…He-he-he destroyed my gourd!" She said pointing a finger at me. Causing Reimu's rage to focus on me.

"It wasn't malicious or anything, I simply refused a drink and she wouldn't take no for an answer, suffice to say she eventually dropped it."

I can't tell who's angry with who at this moment. Suika seems to be angry with me, while fearful of Reimu, Reimu is angry with Suika, with a fear of no-one, and I'm angry with no-one with a fear of both of them.

"You know that you're going to fix this…RIGHT NOW!" She shouted at the poor girl.

"Y-yes ma'am!" She said as she ran off to find supplies.

Reimu then turned to me, she didn't seem angry, she seem as though she was trying to be a good host.

"I'm sorry about her, she basically lives for alcohol, and consequently, that gourd."

I gave her a reassuring pat on the back before speaking my mind "Well, I came out of that relatively unscathed, although I think that boulder she threw at me may have dislocated my shoulder and she also happens to have my crowbar."

"Well, I'll make sure she apologises when she sobers up, and that she gives back your crowbar, it'll be nice for Aya to find out that you're ok though." Ah yes Aya, I can't wait to get back to leaching, and yes, all of those apologies are now null due to the fact that I survived. "Wait…Did you say that an Oni threw a boulder at your arm, and that you may have only dislocated it?" She asked with curiosity and confusion.

"Yes, is there something wrong with that?"

"Nope…In fact, that's some sort of miracle! I'll be honest, you shouldn't even have an arm right about now!" She said with a grin, how…Pleasant

"That's all fine and dandy, but how exactly does that make any sense?"

She pondered on this for a while, which made me think she isn't all that bright, I mean, this isn't one of the later Pheonix Wright cases or the entire consistency that is the living puzzler hell known as ICO. It's a simple question that someone like her, who is labelled as a 'Youkai exterminator', should get without a hitch.

"Well. Oni have incredible strength you see, like, they could tear a house apart without breaking a sweat." She then began to grind her teeth together and resisted the urge to go kill something, anything, even lovable old me. "The only way I could think that you'd still have your arm is if she was going easy on you, or-OR IF YOU WERE A YOUKAI!" Le gasp!

"Aha! You got me! I am secretly a Youkai government agent sent by the Ausies to destroy Gen-Pffft! Ok, I can't keep that act going." Seriously, how exactly could I be a Youkai, they're pretty much non-existent where I come from, plus I can't help shaking the feeling that this is all because I'm in some sort of drug induced state.

"You can't talk to me like that!" She growled at me like some way of trying to threaten the world's greatest douchebag while they're on a roll. It just can't happen, they're ego suppresses fear!

"I talk that way to everyone else, what makes you so special?" This will most likely bite me in the ass, but hey, when in Rome!

"I AM THE GODS DAMNED MAIDEN THAT KEEPS THIS PLACE SEPARATED FROM YOUR PERFECT LITTLE WORLD!" At least everyone in Gensokyo has food. Famine isn't exactly being handled very well, we're all a bunch of greedy twats who won't so much as life a finger to help in the less developed countries 'Let them die!' will say the Right wing Americans with their tough shit policy. While on the other side it is 'Tax them till they only have enough to survive!' Is the other cutting edge option which normally leads to rage. Where is the middle ground? The guy who gets up and says pay for some of the less important stuff like dental care and then tax for stuff like Doctors.

Well, time to see if I can talk myself out of this one. "Ok, first of all, this place isn't so bad. Sure the Youkai are a bunch of xenophobic idiots, the humans are pathetically undeveloped and there is a distinct lack of these aforementioned 'Gods' you were referring to. But, it's very simple, I kind of like that about the place, I feel as though everything works for its own needs and it certainly demonstrates how Anarchy can get it right, there being no actual Government in this place." I only half lie, I believe that this place works well without any real government, it's just, there really isn't any consequence for killing a couple of humans for fun, it's just hell for the average person who isn't strong nor are they able to talk their way out of a paper bag.

She's calmed down again, you know, I can't tell whether or not this anger is different from Aya's. Aya was more or less Bipolar while Reimu appears to be a fairly angry person, but she does have the good intensions she once started out with, although they may be locked in a cage in a cave trying to scream for help but are unable to due to starvation, it is still there.

"Look Greg, you may or may not be a Youkai, at this point I really shouldn't care as I find myself increasingly socializing with more Youkai than I do humans at this point. BUT, this does not change the fact that you are not in the right mind-set, you can't simply talk your way around death, no one in Gensokyo is that good with words, you might come close, just not enough." Close but no cigar eh?

"I managed to talk my way around having you kill me correct? I managed to talk my way around an unstable vampire who could kill me at any instant did I not?" She gives off a sigh of defeat, which is the first thing the little Oni sees as she walks in the room with some wood for a new frame and a fancy new screen, efficient.

"Reimu, did someone just defeat you? Indirectly of-course." The girl says swaying back and forth with almost no hatred for me left in her body.

"No Suika, I did not let him defeat me with words, that is just pathetic." She just opened the flood gates.

"You know Reimu." Says I, King Douche the 3rd "I think I did, I don't think you sighed in defeat as a way to signal for the legendary Gensokyo crack force of Youkai exterminators to come flying through the roof."

Suika gave me a knowing nod, although without an ability to lie I wonder how this will work out.

"I think so, there is in fact no legendary force of Youkai exterminators, rather a few teenage girls with a lot of free time." Some say, Suika's nose grew three sizes that day. They would of course be lying as she is not Pinocchio nor is she able to lie.

"You two seem to love pissing me off…" She said gritting her teeth together, most likely to a Jaw power of a crocodile.

"It's not that difficult to piss people off in this place. All I have to do to you is insult your shrine, Suika would be the deprivation of Alcohol, Sakuya would be insulting Remilia, Remilia would be poking at her ego, one that could match even mine and Aya is Aya, I can piss her off with anything. You people need to learn how to take a joke and start taking some bloody medication." A bit over the top perhaps?

Suika now appears to be balancing between a defecting to the somewhat nice if unprovoked party out of favour of douche-bag central, which I find to be offensive.

Reimu looks at me like I might just give her the plague, although I'd rather give common sense syndrome to her.

"Look, let's cut the act and just say Greg won in a battle of wits, something he could and probably will have to do to the entirety of Gensokyo, we proud residents of which prefer to shoot bullets at each other." Suika said, cutting both sides with a knife, although my knife turned out to be the one you get served at a party along with your amazing paper plate.

"Fine with me!" It really is, victory while allowing a quick morale boost to the normal ways of this place is ok, as long as I can survive.

Reimu looked angrily at Suika, who I have the nagging suspicion just did this to try and get out of building a new screen door. She then looks at me, stares into my soul, the douche part of me keeping me looking cool while the smart-arsed cynic with chronic laziness wanted me to beg for mercy, which would have gone down rather badly for this place.

"Fine, you win Greg." As penance for my win I expect you to be my good maid for a week where thou shalt serve me gourmet food and wait on me hand and foot.

"I love happy endings, don't you two?" Asked the drunk time bomb.

"I preferred A Clockwork Orange's ending myself." It is kind of happy, just in a twisted sort of way.

"A what now?" Roll your eyes man, let the shrine maiden take the stage!

I gesture to her to end this due to the fact that explaining the book would take ages to do properly considering the underline context, the movie was very good too, kind of destroyed the ending to the book, but oh well.

"Anyway you two." Reimu began looking at us "Which one of you shall sleep on the floor tonight…" She said pondering .

"The drunk."

"W-what! Hic." Betrayal, I am a traitorous svine

"The drunk won't feel anything and if that horrible excuse for a comedy 'The Hangover' taught me anything, it's that too much of it does wipe your memory, I'm sure the same applies to you even if it takes a higher dose."

"Then it's decided!" Reimu said without much as a second thought. "You shall sleep where Suika is supposed to sleep every night tonight Greg. Suika, you get to enjoy the floor once again."

* * *

><p>Summing up time folks! You see, the drunks room is surprisingly tidy, I was told this is because she collapses before she can reach that sweet, sweet, comfort known as a mattress or futon or what-have-you. She doesn't have much in the way of the items though, she had a bed, dresser, mirror and for whatever reason one of the draws was filled with bottle caps, like some sort of half assed attempt to make her addiction look ok by saying 'It's okska, I collect bottle caps for fun!' Extremely believable.<p>

Now it's time to 'play' on my 3DS "Alas, I am broken once again." Is what the piece of technology that hates water more than someone from the Jaws movies said with a heavy french accent. Why is the suffering never ending world? Oh why?

* * *

><p><em>Does he get his crowbar back next time? Yes, he does, though it is becoming increasingly less useful with every dialogue check, he still gets to keep his stolen trademark. Next on the agenda of wrapping things up is "The 3DS is a running gag?" I hear you try to accuse, and, well, yes. It won't be for much longer but it kind of had to break, it being in water and all. I still forget what happened to the world's most reliable handheld in the series the GBA. I'll have to go back and check like a professional writer who takes five years to make the next chapter, especially chapter 5 which took 3 months, most of which I spent making humoresque pictures for my deviant art of another name.<em>

_What else can I chop off from a list of things I should've tackled ages ago? Perhaps what does Greg look like? No, that removes from the whole thing, think of it like a Western RPG where you're given a basic design and you can tweak it here and there. I would like to address that I do indeed like Aya, which I find has been coming up as mixed signals with people thinking I am using her as some form of abuse for my sick, petty, entertainment. I don't, I really just wanted to keep the general set in stone Aya and adjust her a bit to work well with King Douche the 3__rd__. _

_I suppose that's about it apart from the small detail of this line _"I preferred A Clockwork Orange's myself." _I just wanted to say that if you didn't see this coming eventually you have officially earned the coveted "Attention span of a hyperactive squirrel award." _

_Goodbye people, despite what I say I do appreciate your reading, so thank you for that. Enjoy the rest of your day_


	10. Chapter 9: Highway to Hell

_Hi people, it's me, your friendly out of reach fanfic writer. Want to know something? I'm pretty damn annoyed right now, as I have to re-write one thousand words. I'll live, of course, if I took fan-fic writing all that seriously though, I think I might have had a brain aneurism. Anyway, side-comments aside, this would just so happen to be chapter nine of "Adjusting to Gensokyo" Which may, or may not undergo the name change to "Between good and evil" Personally, I can't decide, if you have an opinion on this feel free to voice it. Now, I've rambled on enough about my unprofessional nature for quite some time already, but, one more thing I feel like voicing is an admission that I don't quite know how to get from point "A" to "B" There are several paths floating around in my head and I can't quite decide which one to follow. Enough of that though, who cares about that right now? Live, and consequently write, in the moment. So, without further stalling, here is chapter nine. Enjoy._

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><p><strong>Chapter 9: Highway to Hell<strong>

"Good morning, good morning! It's great to stay up late~" What? Can't I be a real man and have a good taste in musicals? No? Well, what do you know, you are no David Snake.

Anyway, as my singing would suggest, it is the morning. Another night survived, though just barely.  
>I mean really, this world is out to get me, you could try to persuade me otherwise, but you'd be wasting oxygen, space and, most importantly, my time. For any of you wandering where I am, I am currently residing in Suika's bedroom, as I only just got up, although any trained monkey could have figured this out, so maybe I don't give my imaginary audience enough credit.<p>

"Oh? So you're finally awake?" Reimu said from the edge of the room in a slightly disgruntled tone. "You've been lying in that bed asleep for 12 hours now, you could rival Yukari!" Actually, I woke up some time ago, it was more a question of 'Can I be bothered?'

"Yes, yes." I said tilting my head towards Reimu. "Now, not to sound rude, but, I don't suppose you have something I could eat?"

She looked at me coldly. "I cooked it about an hour ago, it's cold now but it's edible. It's in the kitchen if you want it." …Of all the dastardly things to do, this is by far the worst!

I must release my anger the only way I know how. "Best. Host. Ever." Through sarcasm.

"What was that?" She asked in an annoyed tone.

"I said that you are my favourite shrine maiden, Reimu!" Not that I know any others, but, what she doesn't know can't hurt her! In fact, it makes her feel good. Thusly, I am doing a good thing.

Oh well, no use crying over spilled milk, I don't even like milk, so it wouldn't bother me one bit in fact. Best head over to that wondrous place known as the feeding room, I'm so hungry that I would be willing to fight someone from this place! That's just plain moronic!

Ah, here we are, the kitchen, a magical place in which delicious concoctions are created for not only survival, but also for pleasure…What? I'm a gourmet.

Now let's see here, ah there's my foo-

"What do we have here then? Looks pretty good."…The drunkard stole my rice…

My rice! It may be a fairly bland thing to eat on its own but by god food is food!

"Suika…Give it back, right now…" I surprise myself sometimes, she looked fearful for a second…Then a look of realization seemed to strike in her eyes. I guess it's the fact that I'm not the world's greatest shrine maiden and host!

She then gave off a devious smile. "Gee, I haven't drunk anything all day just so I could speak to you properly, and this is how ya say 'Hi!'"

"You expected anything less?" I do wonder what she could possibly want with me, though.

"Not really, I guess…Still, if ya' want this, then you're gunna have to listen to what I have to say!"

For the bland tasting food Greg, for the bland tasting food… "Ok then, let's hear it."

Her face suddenly turns to a dark gloomy look. "I'm sure you remember how you destroyed my one true love yesterday?"

"You mean that gourd?"

"It was more than just a gourd! It was my best friend…We-we-we went everywhere together…" That's kind of pathetic.

She then composed herself and look at me with some determination. "So I want you to do something to help me out as payment!" Technically you dropped it.

"Oh I know just the way to help you!"

"Wha-! R-really?"

"But of course…First things first, we'll need to find you a therapist, a good one. Next thing on the agenda will be sending you to rehab. Don't you worry Suika, we'll kick that addiction!" Did you expect anything less?

She gave of a chuckle from the comment before retorting with. "Nah, sounds like too much effort."

"Your loss, not mine."

"Really though, I have something I really need to ask ya' to do for me." She seems pretty serious. The kind of serious which basically means I have Ab. So. Lutely. No choice.

"Ok then, I'll try not to joke about this stuff then." You see, I can be respectful. Generally speaking it's out of cowardice, but I still can be.

"That's good to hear, now let's get this stuff over with, I hate bein' serious!" Oh, I can tell. You seem to find it difficult to keep that expression; it almost looks as if the only way she can keep it is due to her soberness.

"Then by all means."

"Ok then. Here's the deal: I've been banned from entering one of the greatest party hotspots in all of Gensokyo due to a little accident I had there way back when…" She rubbed the back of her head as she said this, as if out of guilt.

"I need names, details, the works. I'm no psychic Suika, I'm just a pain ordinary genius child extraordinaire." Did I mention that I love myself? I must have at this point…

"Funny you should start talking about psychics, ahahahahaha…" Awkward laughter?

"Why?"

"Ya' know what? Never mind, it doesn't matter! All ya' need to know is the problem and the location right?"

"Theoretically speaking…" Of course, there are plenty of variables. For example: You encounter an insane, drunk, banana wielding maniac who runs straight at you. What is the best course of action?

Answer: You pull a gun on them a shoot them!

Now, I know that may sound insane, but, anything is plausible in this place.

"Well, that's great! Now, the place ya' need to go is 'The Place of the Earth Spirits.' In the depths of old hell!" She said looking a bit more cheery…Wait…Hell?

Hell…Hell…Bloody Hell! "So it's finally come to this! I know I was a bit-No wait, a GIGANTIC, douchebag, but that's no reason to send a guy to hell, especially if he hasn't experience a slither of his life-time yet!" I will survive!

"Whoa! Calm down there buddy! It's the OLD hell! There's nothing to worry about!"

"Hmm? Old hell? Well I'll act like a complete twat in public!" Which I did, I really should've listened just that tiny bit more, then this wouldn't have happened. At least it's a relief to hear.

"Ya' calm down really quickly, plus ya' don't seem to be that easy to anger. I knew I'd picked the right person for the job…" She said, impressed, lost in her thoughts, which I am surprised she has, considering how she treated her gourd as a lifelong *Ahem* 'Companion' "Now, as I was sayin'. I need ya' to go to 'The Place of the Earth Spirits.' In the depths of old hell and talk to a girl named Satori Komeji, and tell her: I'm sorry for tearing a hole right through her mansion during the annual drinking festival. Ok?" Whoa, whoa, whoa! She broke a hole through this girls mansion? That's crazy!

Still, something about that bugs me. "Ok then, I guess I have no choice but to take the plunge and do it, but, why does the owner of this random mansion have the ability to keep you away from wherever these parties take place?"

"She and that bridge princes have a deal. She doesn't let me through, and in return, she get's free hot water for her house." Bridge what now? Ah, it doesn't matter, one step at a time Greg. And as of now, step one is…

"Since I've agreed to this, I shall be taking that back thank you!" Eating my bowl of cold, bland rice for breakfast! Huzza!

"Ok then, enjoy! I'm going to go raid Reimu's cupboards and get reaaaaaaaly drunk!~"

"You enjoy thath tho!" I said, the rice muffling out my voice.

* * *

><p>Ok, so, I've been wondering about Gensokyo for a good thirty minutes or so and I swear to go the entrance to this underground place that I asked Suika about shortly after wolfing down my rice is nowhere to be seen. 'It's just *hic* A stretch down the road, then ya head right at the cross roads and you don't stop till ya' *hic* there!' Sure it is Suika, and I am in fact son of British god and TV personality Steven Fry!<p>

"'Just a stretch, just a stretch' Lying alcoholic bi-Oh wait, never mind that, I definitely see a cave entrance of some sort. I'm almost certain that she said that a cave was the entrance…Wait, who am I talking to? I'd say this place way getting to me but I used to do this quite often back home." In the background I could hear the gleeful laughter of some of those always joyous to deal with creatures, the fairies.

"You're going insane human!" One of them shouted.

"Yeah! You won't live long in there!" The other one shouted at me, before they both broke into laughter. If only I'd asked for my crowbar back, then I might be able to shut them up. Well, I say that but, I don't think I really have the energy, nor the first for violence to actually bother attacking them. May as well retaliate though.

"I'll have you two know it's either this or I let an Oni have their way with me for breaking their gourd! Now, which would you two chose in my situation!" I called to them, getting a little bit of sympathy from the more mature looking one.

"Oh wow..." She whispered from under her breath. "Well, good luck! I'll tell you what as-well! If you come out of there alive, the fairies from this area won't bother you anymore!"

"Your faith in me is outstanding…" Seriously, they must have zero faith in me, they mess with EVERYONE. I've only been here for the best part of two weeks and I already know this!

The two fairies look at each other and giggle, though the mature fairies is a little bit more awkward. The two fairies then turn around and fly off without so much as a goodbye.

Anyway, back to the case at hand. The entrance to the cave…It seems to be just that, apart from a sign which is written in big Japanese letters that I cannot read. Well, there's only one way to find out whether or not this right here is my destination, so here I go. Into the darkness…

"Why do I have to be the one to do these things?"

* * *

><p>"Wh-what the hell do you mean you sent him to go talk to Satori in Old Hell!"<p>

"*Hic* Relax Reimu! T-try some of this sake! It'll make you feel better!"

"No Suika! Tell me why the hell you did this!"

"Wellllll~ He owed me something big for destroying my gourd. So I sent him to talk Satori into letting me back into the underground."

"Uhwah? What's this you're shoving in my face Reimu?"

"Your gourd!"

"Oh…cool."

* * *

><p>Welcome to Greg tries to keep his trousers dry! The new hit TV show on everyone's favourite TV channel for aristocrats, politicians, professors and the like, MTV! After all, what intelligent person wouldn't love a bit of 'Jersey Shore' once the week is through?<p>

That aside, you be asking yourself 'Why would you need to keep your trousers dry, oh mighty Greg!' Well, you see, I normally wouldn't need to keep my trousers dry. Gensokyo however, drives me into a state of paranoia, I'm constantly thinking that something is going to jump out and try to eat me, plus, the atmosphere this place gives off isn't exactly the atmosphere one gets from watching 'Thomas the Tank Engine.' On a side note, did you know Ringo Star is the voice of Thomas the Tank Engine? Just felt like sharing that little titbit.

Anyway, back to the cave. The reason it's atmosphere is so damned unnerving, well in my opinion anyway, is because there is very little to do in the way of a light-source, to put it bluntly, apart from the stray torch here and there, my main light source is the sun that is oh-so dimly shining in on the cave at this point. On top of that, there's a deathly silence, the sort that can drive the most sane of people to the brink of insanity. To finish off this cave of bad dreams, I just can't seem to shake this felling, this feeling that someone is in here with me. You know what? If it wasn't for the fact that I probably wouldn't last five minutes out here without some place to run and hide to, I'd run away from here with my tail between my legs and forget about this whole damned mission.

Ok then, it appears that I'm reaching the end of this corridor-like section… "What in the?" A pit? What exactly is a bloody pit doing in this place! Oh, look! A sign that seems to be pointing down into the pit! So it appears Suika wants me to find some way down here, well, I'm not climbing down that's for sure. So unless I can find some sort of other method I won't be-

"Huh?" A bucket attacked to one hell of a thick rope? It looks large enough to contain a person and support their weight…I wonder if I could use this to get to the bottom? It's worth a shot, anything is better than a boulder to the arm…

Ok then, let's climb into you then. Ok then, I think I'm in here safely-And we're off! Wow, I was not expecting this thing to start descending so quickly, I thought I was going to have to use some sort of pulley system in order to get to the bottom. Oh well, this means less work for me, so I am extremely pleased with such an outcome.

Hmm, the atmosphere around here just keeps on getting more and more bazaar. There are no lights anywhere, and yet, I can still make out everything as if the place has some sort of light source.

"H-hey!" What in the? Oh? There's another person in the bucket with me, and I thought I was just getting too fat for my own good!

"Yes, hello there ma'am." Looking at the girl, she seems pretty plain, sort of like a background character. One not many people notice, nor pay attention to. After all, all she has is some green hair in pigtails, usually unusual, but you know the routine by now, everyone is weird here. Along with that she is just wearing a white T-Shirt and Black Shorts…As I said, plain.

"W-what are you doing here!"

"Me? I'm taking this bucket here all the way down to the depths of Old Hell, well, supposedly I am."

The girl composed herself and looked up at me from her crouched position in the bucket. "I never said that you could do that!"

"I never realised that this was YOUR bucket."

"It's more than just MY bucket!" She seems pretty mad. "This bucket has been with me since forever!" These people and their love for material possessions, not at all like my love for my consoles, nope, not at all. Mine is strictly platonic.

"Good for you?"

She looks at me with a tad bit more confidence now. "Now, I don't normally go looking for humans to have as a snack, but since you're here, I'll eat you! Thank you for being here sir!" Quick! Push her out of the bucket! Now! Before your dinner!

Yes! That's right Greg, push her out with all your might, you can't die here, you've got so much left to complain about!

"Wha! What are you doing!"

"What? Did you think I was just going to sit idly by as you ate me alive?"

"Grrr! I woulda killed you first!"

"Oh, and that makes it so much better? What do you take me for! I'm no snack, no sentient being should be!"

The girl is thrown back by my last sentence "Sentient? What does that mean? My English isn't that good." Ok, two things.

One: She said her English isn't that good? Does that imply that she can speak another language more naturally than this? If so, that raises the question of why she addressed me in English rather than that other language?

Two: She expects me to stop protecting myself and become an Oxford dictionary? Really?

I just can't help myself "It means…Something that is aware of itself and surroundings."

"Uh…Aware?" BLOODY HELL!

"It means to know. You know what know means, right?"

"Y-yeah…" She looks off into space in thought "What were we doing again?" Ding, ding, ding, Greg! I think we have a winner for best short-term memory loss.

Now lie! "We were having a nice talk about who we were." I hope that was simple enough for her.

"Oh?...Hmmm…Oh yeah! I remember!" From one blatant lie to the next…

Ok, before I make the next move, let's see my distance till I hit the bottom. Oh? Not far at all. Success!

"Well look at that?" I say, looking down towards the bottom. The girls head peeps above the bucket and follows. "I've gotten to where I want to be."

"Oh? Ok." The girl seems to tense up a bit, and pops her head back into the bucket.

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><p><strong>Clink<strong>

I sigh before looking out to see that I have finally arrived at the bottom of this pit of wondrous hell, I'm really not looking forward to the rest of this little trip. "Well, I'll see you around Miss…" I say before stepping out of the bucket and onto the ground.

"Have fun?" She says in a curious yet child-like manner before leaving.

Hmm, well, at least the lighting of this place makes some sense right? There are some torches scattered about the place. At the end of this section of the cave there is a house, a house with a bridge next to it, because that's what all houses need, a bridge.

Hmm? A girl just walked out of the house, although the gender almost goes without saying anymore, if I just said 'Person' most people would jump to the conclusion that it was a female. Anyway, the girl was blond, appeared to have green-You know what? Screw it, I can't be assed right now, I'll tell you what, why don't you look it up for yourselves, hmm?

"You there!" The _ looking girl said. Oh yes, that's right, you don't get to know a thing about her!

"Yes, what do you want?"

"What do you need to do in Old Hell?"

"I want to go see my best friend Satan, isn't it obvious?"

Her _ coloured eyes glowed with jealousy "Wow, you have a best friend…I'm so jealous." I would face palm, but that is just to kind for this sort of idiocy.

"If Satan is real, then I'm the queen of England."

The girl deadpanned. "What do you take me for? Some sort of idiot?"

"Well you definitely don't seem to be on my level of intellect." EGO BOOST!

"You're extremely intelligent, hmm? Now why can't I be intelligent?" Her eyes began to glow a jealous shade of _ "You can come down here from the surface whenever you want, yet I'm stuck here…" Her voice began to sound vicious.

"Alright, calm down."

"You have such a relaxed attitude, yet all I can feel is jealousy!" Are her eyes literally glowing like a neon light? "You, what possible reason could you have down here!"

"I-I've been asked to deliver a message!"

"People trust you with their things…No one ever entrusts me with their things." This is beginning to disturb me…Why must this place be a literal hell? "You are so lucky." She looks directly into my eyes, almost as if staring directly into my non-existent soul. "I am _ and I look over the entrance to the netherworld. I'll show someone like you what it's like to be me, now have at you, be jealous of my power." You definitely don't get the privilege of knowing her name, screw you all, dear listener.

It's time for a sob story! Gather 'round children! "You think that I'm lucky? Pfft! I'm afraid I'm quite the opposite!"

"What do you mean?" She said, restricting her attack.

"Do you think I want to be here? I'm but a mere human! I couldn't survive for five seconds if one of you Youkai decided it was dinner time. Yet, here I am, against my will…"

Her eyes start to glow with less of an intensity. "Why are you here then?"

"To make a long story short, never deprive an Oni, I think that's what they're called anyway, of their alcohol, lest ye be chucked into the depths of 'Old Hell' Although, to be honest, this place seems to hold up well as a hell to me."

Her eyes stop glowing "I'll admit, I can't be jealous of you…Being forced to risk your life…Yet you seem so cowardly." Jinkies! I think she's got it! Now quick to the Mystery Machine! Wait, what was I talking about again? "You may pass, you cowardly human…"

"Thank you very much ma'am" I bow slightly and run like hell over what seems to be a pointless bridge and into what appears to be the outskirts of a city…In the underground…That is sooooooo~ original!

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><p>One hour later, and Greg has only just reached the inside of the city, did he take a brake along the way? No, that would just be lazy *Cough* Anyway, enough of that, whatever it was. Welcome back to 'Greg returns home!' part 3: The epic conclusion…So obviously this'll be a huge let down folks, the third in the series is always terrible!<p>

So this city is actually populated by people, rather than being abandoned, so I'll give them credit for that, it's a new take on the underground city. That aside, this place is as primitive as everywhere else in Gensokyo, no electricity, just oil lamps littering the streets as a source of light. I wish I could just shove a light bulb up the leaders arse, then maybe he'd get the point: Electricity is the way of the future!

Actually, I don't think they'd get it, they are all Oni populating this city after all. Thusly, this place is noisy as all hell! You'd think that one or two parties would be enough! But no! 'We must have one million parties everyday if we want to get sufficiently WANKERED!' Bloody drunkards.

Oh? Who is this one horned person walking towards me? Let me guess, we're at stage 3 of Gregary Bevan: Ace Douchebag – Lies and manipulations.

"Hello there~" The woman sang.

Now you see, you're lucky that I'm in the mood to give her a description. Unlike last time, where the girl got no privilege of getting the Greg overview treatment.

Ok, so here goes the description. Imagine Suika, but she has long blond hair, only one horn and is *Ahem* Well endowed. You expected anything less from me?

"Umm…Hello?" Oh damn! I did it again!

"Yes, hello there miss…" I said, waiting for her name.

"My name is Yuugi, now, what's your name?" Resist obvious card game reference…

"I am Greg, douchebag extraordinaire!" Ego boost?

"You're a douchebag you say? Well that must mean you anger people a lot, which would imply you are a very strong fighter…" Oh god, please don't say it, please don't say it. "I am quite the fighter myself, care for a friendly brawl?" OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

"N-no thanks, I'm in a hurry."

She grins mischievously. Bugger. "Now I insist."

Well, I guess now would be a good time to pull out my defence mechanism for whenever I was up against what appears to be a slightly sober Oni. "Quick! They're having an all you can drink beer fest in the bar down the street! And it's free!"

"F-free?"

"Mwahahahaha…Yes, it's all free."

The woman races down the streets at break neck speeds shouting. "We'll have to have our brawl some other time!" Oh, what a shame. Keh keh keh!

Anyway, back to my long as treck through the city.

* * *

><p>Douchebags blog.<p>

Star date: Who the hell knows? I'm underground.

Hello there again folks! I think I used that one already didn't I? Oh well, I'll have to think up another one later.

Anyway, I am now on the outskirts of the city, on a path to the clearly signposted 'Palace of the Earth Spirits' Which is very nice, I can finally get this day over with, and hopefully get back to my peaceful life of mooching off of others.

"Y-you!" Oh god, it couldn't be… "Y-you lied to m-me!" It is! It's that more feminine version of Suika! Yuugi I think it was!

"Hello there my dear Yuugi, you seem sufficiently hammered."

"Th-That's not the p-point!" She yells at the top of her voice. "I-I drank 50 kegs of beer, and I had to pay for it all!"

"Wow fifty kegs?" I whispered to myself, I mean, it sure is impressive.

"You w-will pay!" I know I should be running for my life, but I just can't take her seriously. "N-now…Which one should I hit?"

"Pardon?"

"Eeny, meanie, miny, moe…" I personally prefer 'Ibol obol' "Aha! Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, never lies! Y-you have to b-be the real one!"

"Wha-Holy shit!" A barrage of bullets are…Hitting the ground a good five meters to the left of me? Oh wow, I think I get it now, she must be so drunk that she's seeing double!

"No, no! Hit the other one you stupid Oni! I need another corpse!" Wait? Who in the?

"I-I." And now Yuugi is falling.

**THUD!**

Technical Knock Out!

Just then a girl jumps out from behind the rocks carrying a wheelbarrow full of corpses. Well damn, it's just one life threatening person after another isn't it world?

"Hello there sir!" She said cheerfully, although, come to think of it, wasn't she the one who was cheering for Yuugi to kill me?

Either way, best be polite to the corpse carrying maniac before I get the description out of the way…I swear to god I have to do way to many of those.

"Yes, hello there miss."

Oh good, there seems to be a silence, quickly, description a go-go baby! Ok, so the girl has long red hair done up into ponytails, black cat ears for some ungodly reason, I mean, I know this place makes no sense, but really? Have some consistency please. Anyway, she's wearing a black, or is it dark green? Blue? Gah! Who cares? The dress itself has some weird pattern on it, and of course, she is carrying that wheelbarrow of corpses. Any who, back to the story

"Sir! I have a favour to ask of you!" She yelled cheerfully as she ran towards me.

"What is that?"

"Could you drop dead, please?"…Is this even worth a reaction?

"I'm sorry, I'm too busy being alive." The girl looks disappointed, oh what a shame!

"Aww. I don't suppose you know where I could find a corpse?" Lying will probably get me killed this time around.

"No ma'am!"

"Hmph…Are you sure you couldn't just die and come back as a ghost?" I'm not just sure I'm H.I.V positive…No, no, no! She won't get the reference!

"I'm really sure! So, could you please stop asking me that?"

"We could do this the easy way or-"

"OH NO YOU DON'T!"

"Wah!"

"I've had it up to hear with people trying to kill me! What exactly is it, kill the defenceless person month!" She looks at me for a while, then sighs with defeat.

"Fine, I'll just be on my way then-"

"Wait."

That's right, turn around; you don't get to get away that easily.

"What?" She asked in a curious manner…Damn, sometimes I wonder whether or not I should be bothered by death threats, these people seem to shake them off so easily.

"I don't suppose you know a quicker way to The Palace of The Earth Spirits, do you?"

"Yes! Of course I do! I live there!" Oh wow… "Follow me! I know a shortcut!" What a convenient, almost plot device like event *Cough* It's a plot device! *Cough* Hmm? What a bad cough I seemed to have gotten…Mentally…Shut up!

"Sooo." Oh, hi, I guess this is as good a time as any to bring you back to the story.

* * *

><p>"Yes?" So, this Cat girl, who's named Rin, although she said something about a nickname she prefers being called, I don't know, I was too busy having a mental rant about the fact that she is a cat person that carries around corpses.<p>

"How exactly is climbing over rocks a shortcut compared to, oh I don't know, walking down a road?"

She looks back at me and gives me an oddly friendly smile. "Don't worry bro! I know this place like the back of my hand!"

"Bro?"

"Yeah, you're my friend, so you're also my bro!" She said cheerfully "Actually…I call pretty much everyone bro or sis…So I guess it doesn't matter!" Cheerful…Always cheerful…Oh, and who said you were my friend?

Anyway…I need to summon up the courage to ask her about that…Wheelbarrow. "Now, I have another question."

"Uhuh. What is it?"

"What's with the corpses?"

"Oh, I was surprised you didn't ask me about that earlier…" Is that a serious tone! No! I must be hearing things! "You see, I am a Kasha! My job is to carry away corpses!" Gee! What a joyous discussion! I have another idea as well…Who wants to talk about murders!

In all seriousness though. "Where exactly do you carry them to?"

"Me? I carry them to be burned in the Hell of Blazing Fires!"

"Why?"

"Uh…I think it's fuel for the Nuclear reactor my friend runs!" Oh yes definitely, I think it's universally renowned that nuclear reactors run off corpses and no-Wait a minute! This place has a nuclear reactor? Where the hell is the electricity!

"I hope you realize that they don't use corpses as fuel for nuclear reactors."

"Then why do I do it?"

"Because you're insane, that aside, who is you're friend?" Who knows, maybe there is someone in this world that I can have an intelligent conversation with?

"Oh? That's Okuu! She's the strongest Hell Raven in all of the underground!" Hell Raven hmm? W-w-wait! Hell Raven! As in a bird! Ok, ok, ok, let's rewind back to the time that I was at Kourindo with Aya back in cha-er I mean two weeks ago.

'I knew I shouldn't have tried to explained how a DVD works to someone like her…_**I mean it's as illogical as leaving a bird in charge of a Nuclear Reactor.**_' - The world's greatest person.

The world did it. It actually went out of its god damn way to be as illogical as possible! People who can fly through the sky without a care, bullets of energy shooting from their hands, drunk 12 year olds, mythical beings existing, hell existing! That's it! Someone hand me a pistol it's time to go on a mental meltdown rampage and kill about five people before being killed myself! No, no, no. I mustn't, I have to fight on, my mind is my only friend right now, I can't lose it.

"…Moving swiftly along, how long should it take to get there?"

She turns around from the top of the hill, well, I guess it's a hill, even if it is just rocky terrain. She grins happily and says "We're already here!"

Right she is, it appears we are, now that I'm at the top of this rocky of the beat path. The building I'm looking at seems to be a palace. Well, tell a lie, it's more of a mansion if I'm honest. Actually, I personally think that Mansion of the Earth Spirits has a better ring to it, I wonder why they chose to call it a Palace?

Rin then turns to me and says "We shouldn't stop now! We're so close!"

"Right you are." And now we're back to walking, so much bloody walking.

"Hey!" She said as she continued to walk in front of me.

"Yes?"

"I forgot to ask this earlier, but, why exactly do you need to go to my home?" A little absent minded of her to forget to ask such a question.

"I've been asked to ask her something. Please don't ask why, there are already to many asks as it is."

"Umm…Ok!" She said, brushing it off easily. I suppose she can respect someone privacy. "Anyway. Here we are, welcome!"

"Yes thank you…Now, I don't suppose you know where-"

"Satori is?" What the? Who the hell said that?

Rin burst open the doors to the mansion, and behind said doors there was a girl, surprise, surprise. "Satori-sama!" Oh boy, it's honourific time folks! Let's try and figure out what this one means shall we? Hmm, perhaps it is used with close family and friends? It would certainly explain why she is hugging her like that.

"Ah, Orin, it's nice to see you to." She said in a calm tone. "I was actually going out to look for you, you know you haven't been back for a week." Such a loving display between these two…Umm…What exact relationship do they have anyway? "-Yes a whole week Orin, I suppose it was a case of 'Time flies when you're having fun.'" If corpse collecting is fun, then World Of Warcraft doesn't take peoples souls. "And as for you…" Hmm? Oh, she's talking to me? "Yes, I am talking to you, who else is there to talk to? Anyway, stop having such snarky thoughts will you, it's rather irritating." She's reading my mind! Oh god no! This is the 'Mind reader' thing Suika quickly brushed under the carpet! "Suika? Why would you have talked to her?"

"Well, that's because I was asked to come down here to talk to you." Hah! Got my words out without having to think about them! Take that mind reader!

"I am impressed with that, I will admit." Damn straight.

Actually, now is as good a time as ever to give my description of her. So she has purple hair and-

"Why are you describing me in your head?" Damn. I was so quick to forget about the mind reading thing.

"Look, it's just something I do. So can you let me finish?"

"I suppose…I'll just continue to talk to Orin here." And I shall ignore that probably meaningless conversation.

Anyway, now that she's given me her permission to think, I think I'll continue. Now where was I? Ah yes, she has purple hair, which is short, might I add. She has erm…Brown eyes, maybe red, some sort of dark shade, I wasn't given much to work with. She is wearing a blue shirt with, a new theme for today, hearts! Or rather heart buttons on it. She's also wearing a pink skirt. Oh she also has some sort of weird extra eye that floats around her chest area and is attached to her head and wrists, but who cares about that? That's just so boring. I'm kidding of course, that is bloody weird, it's just not as surprising as it should be, because everyone around here is as weird as the next.

"Ahahaha…You run along now Orin my dear, I've got to deal with him on my own."

"Ok then! Bye Greg! Bye Satori!" Then she ran off carting that wheelbarrow of corpses into the more-or-less mansion. You know, like a good…Umm…'Insert whatever their relationship is here' should!

"I'll have you know that she needs to get to 'The Hell of Blazing Fires' And this is the only route."

Oh that place…

"Yes, 'That place'" She said in a rather annoyed tone "Now, if you could please explain why you were asked to come down here by Suika."

Only if you let me talk.

"Fine…"

"Thank you, now, I'll skip why I've been forced to ask you-"

"Because you destroyed her gourd." That's an oddly happy smile…

"Yes, yes. Anyway, she told me to come down here to ask you to let her back into the underground."

"Some cheek she has. Asking to be let back in after she ripped holes through several walls of my mansion, and then she left without paying for the damages or helping to fix it up again!"

"To be fair, she was under the influence."

"That may be true, but, I don't think I can let her off that easily."

"Look, she seemed generally sorry, she also seemed to be pretty guilty as-well, just let her off."

"You really are new around here aren't you?" I don't remember ever thinking or telling her that, but somehow she knows. "Of course I know. The way you dress, talk, and especially the way you act, they all give it away."

"That's all fine and dandy but-"

"We're getting off topic?"

"Yes, quite. Now could you please stop interrupting me?"

"Fine, fine." Nice to see she understands. "Now, what I meant when I said you were new around her was; You don't know how people around here tend to solve their problems."

"Believe you me, I've seen how people from around here solve their problems, and I don't care for it."

"Like it or not, that's how we're settling this." Mother fucker… "Please refrain from thinking such crude words around me." Hmm…Bitch, bastard, fuck, twat, cunt, shit…Am I missing any?

Ooh! Staring daggers at me! How I missed you so. "You get this treatment a lot? I'm not surprised."

"It's a living."

"Yes, well, let us…begin" Oh god! Why did you just grin! Why am I talking to you with my mind? And the final question is: Why is this place insane! "It's only insane to you, to me, it's perfectly normal. In fact, your way of life is insane, as for the other two…Figure it out for yourself."

She then fired heart shaped bullets at me from her hands, time to duck for cover! Quick behind that conveniently placed boulder!

"Hiding from me? Well, you seem to be a wise one, yet you forget I can track you down so easily" No fair! "Life's not fair..." I already knew that, I had to do this job after-all didn't I? "That's true, now, if you could just sit there next to that boulder, this can be over-" Run into the house!

"I'll catch you later Satori ma'am! I've got places to go and things to see!"

"How troublesome…" Haha! I'm out of-Ow! God damn! Was that one of her heart shaped bullets? They certainly pack a punch for something that seems a little less than threatening.

Ok, now I know this seems like a bad idea, but I'm going to give you a quick description of her humble abode. Now, since I've only been running through this one solitary hallway there's not much to say, apart from the fact that it as a rather western flare to it, and by that I mean it seems like a typical rich persons house if they were from Europe.

Wait…Is that food I smell? I haven't eaten something in…Some time. Look, I don't own a watch and I'm underground, so let's just say I'm hungry ok!

"You better not try stealing something from my kitchen!" I forgot about you. Although your voice seemed very faint…Let's just have a look and-Yep, just as I thought, I have some time to take cover and think out a plan as she's nowhere near me.

Into the kitchen we go.

This is a rather basic kitchen, just cupboards, a gas stove for cooking things on, nothing special. This means I can't block her entrance, so I better find a weapon, and fast! Ok then, let's see what she's got here. A butcher's knife? Well, I was hoping for something a little less deadly, but if I must use it.

**Smash!**

Right on time. "Darn, I didn't mean to be so rough with that door, but I could have sworn you thought something about blocking my entrance."

"Yes, I said I wouldn't be able to."

"Well look what you made me do human! The door's chipped now!" Oh bollocks does this mean that she's going to give it her all? "You're quite right; I am going to give it my all." Ok then…May as well try this. CHARGE! "Foolish human, brandishing my own butcher's knife."

She dodged, well, I saw that coming. "At least you're not surprised like some idiots before you were." I'm not just some idiot. I'm a genius. Now it is time to prove that!

Ok then, one more time from the top…This time I won't even think about my actions, let instinct take over.

"Charge!"

"Hmph" Damn it! She was still able to read my mind, even though I wasn't directly thinking about it…This is troublesome. "Yes, now, I've let you have your fun. Now it's my turn."

**Bang!**

"AH!" God damn it that was a direct hit! And she even has the butcher's knife now, brilliant.

"Don't worry; I won't use it against you."

"How kind of you." Now those are some words I never thought I'd use when referring to a resident of Gensokyo!

Only one thing left to do now...Run into unknown territory!

"Please sit still, I don't want you breaking anything, and I especially don't want you to make me break anything."

"Sorry, but I can't come back empty handed. My boss is a real piece of work, dood!" Man, I played way too much Disgaea before this happened to me.

Ok, let's see what the room behind the kitchen is…The dining room! Of course! Quickly, no time to lose, let's move this chair to the door and prop it up against the handle ASAP!

"Grr. I knew I shouldn't have handled you so casually, now that you've propped that damn chair against the handle, I can either destroy it or take the long way around. So I'll be there soon, don't you dare go anywhere otherwise you forfeit the match and you'll have to go back to Suika empty handed." Good, this gives me some time to think things over.

* * *

><p>Ok then, so first things first, terrain. The dining room has a rather large table in the centre of the room, with enough room to seat about 10, but right now there only seem to be four chairs. Now, there also seem to be a rather large amount of feeding bowls for pets, which can only mean trouble unless I run into a cat, since we all know cats will betray you at the sight of a meal. Other than that the room is pretty basic, no windows, some oil lamps serve as light for the room, not much else.<p>

Now for step two: What do I know about the enemy? – I know that she has the ability to read minds, this also allows her to track me down, I also know that she must have a plethora of pets due to the feeding bowls and that distinct wet fur smell. I know that she can pack a punch with bullets, and she possesses some physical strength, though not as much as someone like Suika. She's also very well spoken, and seems to be a bit more cold compared to some of the people around here, she also seems to be very intelligent and seems to have set morals. Truly a great person within her own right.

Step three: The battle plan. – This is a tricky one, due to the fact that she can read minds I wouldn't be able to lay a single it on her if I tried to get her in melee combat, in fact, if I wanted to even have a chance I'd have to use weapons that I have less control over, such as things you throw or shoot, but I don't have anything like that on me. It seems almost hopeless-Unless. Unless I turn her strong point into her weak point…It may fail but, heck, it's worth a try!

So I suppose all I have left to do is wait.

* * *

><p>"Ha! I finally got here!" Oh yeah. I forgot about my battle with her, it must have been at least half an hour since she took the long route. "Yes, you're right, it has been some time, but this isn't called a palace for nothing."<p>

"Fair enough, now shall we?" Ooh I can't help but grin!

"Yes, I was wondering why you were grinning, care to tell me?"

"You'll find out in due time."

"Ok then, then I guess I'll make the first move."

Dodge some heart shaped bullets by ducking under the table. Now, let's put this plan of mine into action.

"What plan?"

"You know Satori, you think you've got me beat, but you don't want to know what I can actually do to you…" Hehehe… *_A rather gruesome image of Satori strung up on a crucifix*_

"Gah! What a terrible mental image!" *_Satori being put into a pot of boiling oil*_

"My gods! What kind of monster can picture this sort of stuff!" _*The shadowy figure of a man eating Satori's flesh*_ Uh…Even I disgusted myself with that one.

"Rightly so! That's just horrible stuff you're thinking up!"

"That's right it is! And it won't stop until you concede victory to me!"

"You dirty, underhanded, idiot!"

"I'd like to think that it was a work of pure genius. That's aside the point though, is that your way of conceding victory?"

"Yes…" Mwahahahahahahaha!

"Er-Anyway, since I won, in a rather anti-climactic way, might I add. Could you please tell whoever it is that keeps people from entering the underground to let her back in?"

"Yes, of course. Although it'll take a lot of time, she is an extremely powerful Youkai so I had quite a few people in on it."

"Well, either way, I'm off!"

"Have a safe journey back…I suppose." Thanks.

* * *

><p>"Oh thank the gods you're alright!" Is what the cultist said.<p>

Now, you may be wondering what's going on, well. It was soon after I left Satori's abode that I ran into Reimu looking for me down here. Now this is where I'm going to have a little fit so you may want to skip this. You see, she told me that, well, to put it in layman's terms: HER GOURD DIDN'T GET DESTROYED BECAUSE THE FIRE WASN'T AT A NEAR ENOUGH TEMPERATURE TO MELT THE METAL IT WAS MADE OF! GOD DAMN IT! WHY DID I NOT THINK TO ASK THAT! I CALL MYSELF INTELLIGENT AND YET I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THE POSSIBILITY THAT IT WAS MADE OUT OF METAL! I THOUGHT THAT SUIKA WOULD KNOW THAT! GOD DAMN IT! I RISKED MY LIFE FOR NOTHING!

Now that my little fit of rage is over, I should go on to say that Suika is supposedly getting punished by having alcohol boycotted in Reimu's household. Actually, the original idea was to have it so that she was going to still be barred from entering the Underground, but then I threatened to stab Reimu for even suggesting such a thing after all the shit I went through. Oh, and if you're wondering where we are, we're in that City/Town place.

"Are you even listening to me?" Oh god, I always forget that other people are around me.

"Of course I was!"

"Then what did I just say?" Let's see, she's a cultist, and she's pretty grumpy most of the time. So..Uh…

"You moaned on about how annoying it was for you to have to come down here to rescue me, and how I should be greatful?" Please be right, please be right.

"That's correct." Damn straight. What? Were you expecting me to get it wrong and for something comical to ensue? You sick sadistic bastards. "Now, Suika is back at my house, which you will be staying at again tonight, no arguments there."

"I need to know this because…?"

"I thought you might want to know when you were going to be able to rip into her." Didn't your mother teach you Reimu, violence is never the aswer…Actually, where are her parents? She seems to live on her own, but she's doesn't look that old. Just another idiotic part to this worlds system I suppose.

"Now Reimu, why would I want to hurt her? Sure I may have been angry, but holding a grudge solves nothing."

"You're too forgiving, you'll never survive in this place if you let people walk over you."

"Trust me on this one Reimu, I will be the one walking over people eventually, just you wait and see."

"Sure you will. Now, hurry up, I want to get back to my place as soon as possible!"

"Fine…" This place never does cease to be a pain in the arse.

* * *

><p><strong>Meanwhile, In generic building "A"<strong>

"So, what do you think Koishi?"

"He seems pretty cool, Sis."

"Now, I meant, what does his subconscious say?"

"Oh, well all I could really gather is that he's egotistical and extremely selfish."

"This is stuff that I already know…"

"Well, I can't work miracles, I can only tell you what is heart tells me!"

"Well, he doesn't seem to be a threat."

"He's a threat to love though."

"Now's not the time Koishi, now's not the time."

* * *

><p><em>I finally finished this long as chapter, and I must say I'm quite pleased. The chapter was a way to give Greg a bit more character. Now to do what I tend to do at the end of writing a chapter: Tackling issues! YAY! First things first "Wait a cotton pickin' minute! What happened to the way Suika speaks! And also, didn't you say he'd get his crowbar back!" – The thing with Suika was. Well, I thought she wasn't living up to her drunkard name with her speech patterns, and I had recently played the Touhou Attorney fangame, and I quite liked her speech pattern, so I implemented it into the fic. Not to worry though, I'll go back and re-write the dialogue for Suika sooner or later. As for the crowbar…Well, "A" I forgot, and "B" Once I had realized my mistake, I thought that it could lead to some better situations where it would really allow for Greg's personality to shine on through, which I think it did.<em>

_Secondly: "Stop going to different games and barely touching down on them!" – No, you can go write your own poorly executed fanfiction if you want to go into extreme detail on everything. Not only that, but this is a comedy story with very little to no real destination at this point. It's safe to say that due to the genre you wouldn't expect a large amount of detail, and, in fact, the characters are just there to set up situations to an extent, while other times they can be used as development._

_Now, about that scene with the fairies. I was originally going to build more on that once Greg had finished his task, but after seeing how long this was getting, I decided against it, although I may bring them back for a later chapter as some sort of ally. Anyway, enough rambling out of me. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even with the spelling mistakes that I know are lurking in there, but I can't be bothered to remove, and before you say that I misspelled "Color" I would like to point out that I'm British and we spell it as "Colour" I'm rambling again though, so let's finish this of quickly. Have a nice day people!_


	11. Chapter 11: An apology from the writer

_Hello there people who, for whatever reason or another, have decided that you'd follow this story to the ends of the internet! (In my opinion that would either be a popular site where people share content they have made with other people or a really dodgy porn site, Fanfiction. net is the latter.) – I'm lying of course, I wouldn't expect that kind of loyalty from you people, especially when I never update. The fact of the matter is that the reason I'm making this is for that very reason, why I haven't updated in several months. So, let's not beat around the bush, I'm lazy, I know I state that every time a chapter is released but it's the honest to Cthulhu truth. Alongside that, I'm suffering from a strange condition known as "Not enough information syndrome." Which is where I don't have the resource material needed to describe a certain area, which I would tell you the name of if I could remember. I'm also suffering from the more traditional writers block as-well, but that isn't hard to overcome, I can make something up on the spot if I put some effort in. _

_So the gist of this entire thing is that I'm still working on it. With that said, I'll see you people somewhere in the near future, probably, maybe, hopefully. Goodbye._


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